Should I Stay or Should I Go?



I…do not like uncertainty. It’s one of the reasons I clung to the tarot so badly so fervently when I was in the coven. It was something. A heads up into what was coming next. I like heads up. I like plans. 

I had a plan, once. I applied to grad school. I got in. WEEEE. One of fifteen kids in the whole program. First choice program, in a city that seemed friendlier to me than San Francisco, and much easier to afford. 

And then I started applying for summer jobs, because without a job I couldn’t stay here for the summer and there would go Sir and I before it had a chance to begin. What was I going to do at my parents house? Sit home for four months thinking about my friends in Boston and San Francisco that I couldn’t get to because I was in New Jersey? I could see my family, and that’s great… but after about a month I tend to start escaping for 2 a.m. drives just to get a little peace and space from them. 

And so, staying in San Francisco seemed logical. I have a life here, and my roommates were staying for the summer also so it’s not like I would be living with strangers. 

But then I would leave after the summer was over… or that was the plan. 

For the past couple months it seems that every time I make a plan it gets turned on its head. The ORIGINAL plan (way back when…you know, two months ago) was that my ex and I would both be moving to Portland together. Then I got in, and he didn’t, and well there went that plan. Then it was me going on my own.

And slowly, my bank account shrank
And shrank

and now I’m down to about $1400 dollars to my name. 

Yesterday, I got a job that will be good for the summer. It’s secure, flexible, and can be full time for the summer if I need it to be, but it’s not a career job. It’s a “get you through” job. Enough so that I am breathing again. I’ll have steady income. 

On a whim, I applied to a couple of education jobs. An art teacher, an APA therapist position.. real jobs, going “Why the hell not?”. I have a lot of childcare and a bit of education experience, and a four year degree under my belt as well. I may be young, but for my age I’ve done quite a bit. I didn’t expect to actually hear back from any of the jobs. 

“Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An’ if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know”

That song has been stuck in my head for the past two days. Suddenly I have job interviews for actual career jobs, not just summer baby jobs.. I never considered putting off grad school. That was secure, a definite. What I was going to do. 

That’s what I get for making plans. 

Stay for another year, or go? It all depends on what I get hired for… My parents, who have been here for the past week, and my older sister think me staying here and working would be a good idea, especially if I would be moving out of the heart of the city into the East Bay or further out, into the suburbs. It would mean that I would have my car as well, one that I was going to have in Portland, which would mean I could keep my San Francisco job and commute in when I had a shift. I don’t know. I don’t know

I just don’t know. 

Yours with a lot to think about


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