Okay, I admit, I found this photo a while ago and I have been waiting for an opportunity to post it…but it’s for irony’s sake, not because I believe it.. Because in my relationship the opposite is true.
Sir and I got into a conversation about the mechanics of our relationship yesterday, as we tend to do from time to time…because I am a noob and often need things broken down a bit further to really process things. I care about him a great deal, as a person as well as a Dom, and told him I was struggling with how much to ask when I knew something was wrong with him. It’s hard just to..not care, not notice when you see someone’s personality change and you have no clue why.
He told me, “Here is the thought for you to think on today, little one: the advice that you hear from people, that it is truly the submissive that has all the power in the D/s relationship… that’s just plain wrong. The only power you have is the safeword and the ability to walk away. You give everything else up. Everything else. You have ultimate power, but only power to end things. You give everything else away, or the dynamic is wrong and it can’t last.”
Which means the teeth don’t hold any damn power in that blow job, and you had better know when and when not to use them, per your Dom’s preferences.
It’s that last bit, that giving EVERYTHING UP, that last bit of control, that I find myself fighting on an instinctual level. Which bothers me, because I want to submit. I need to. You don’t choose to take on being a 24/7 Sub and desiring a TPE relationship if you don’t feel in your core it’s who you are… otherwise you would probably be miserable during it. The more my training actually begins and Sir begins to show me the actual fundamentals of being a slave and serving him, the more content and at peace with myself I become.
That contentment lasts for a couple days after seeing Sir, and then I find myself fighting to keep it. It’s a combination of things that tends to pull me out of the submissive headspace. One being every day life, another being distance from Sir, if he or I get busy and can’t really speak, a third just being basic survival instincts when I’m on my own. I am small, and I’ve had issues with being mugged and jumped among other things before… the barriers go up when I’m out in the city by myself, that vibe of “please don’t come near me” that has far from a submissive vibe to it.
All these things bother me. I wish I could keep the contentment that I have when I’m around Sir, that peaceful feeling of knowing exactly who I am and what I should be doing…
Today I went to a bit of an…experiment. There was a munch at a local kink cafe involving erotic hypnotism. Now, I’ve always been a skeptic when it comes to hypnotism, but my undergraduate degree is in psychology. The workings of the mind absolutely fascinate me, and I decided to go to the munch 1: Because I had nothing else to do and love the cafe in general and 2: Because I was simply curious. I wanted to see how this ‘hypnotism’ worked, and how many people would fake it just to fake it..
Like I said, skeptic.
I found myself pleasantly surprised. What they called hypnotism I always thought of as guided meditation. I struggle with silent meditation, always have, but guided mediation is old hack for me. I’ve been doing them since I was about twelve, and have always found visualizing to be incredibly easy for me (YAY creative mind!). The hypnotism was guided meditation with a bit of an “oomph”, adding emphasis and tone to the voice in order to pull the person meditation further into a trance-state.
We went around our little table at one point and talked about what we wished to gain from ‘hypnotism’, if anything (I’m still going with guided meditation..but it’s a tomato, tomato, potato, potato kinda thing for me), what scenes we thought could be enhanced by it, etc. I haven’t really done much thought when it comes to “scenes”, as much as I fantasize from time to times.. but I did have my little issue of just not being able to let go, and so I explained my relationship, knowing the group would understand it, and told them how I was struggling. After the initial O.O OH WOW that comes with saying you want a 24/7 TPE relationship the person leading the group immediately started mentioning meditations I could try, and actually led me through one that helped… a lot.
I honestly don’t remember all of it… I remember him having us go into trance state, to the point where we were most content and at peace with our submission, where we felt the most safe. For me, that’s easy. I am tiny as hell, and Sir is no small man. When we lay next to each other it is very easy for Sir to completely engulf me when he embraces me.
THAT is the best feeling in the world, when we’re both on our sides and his body is literally wrapped around mine. Nothing can touch me, and I am right where I belong. There I can talk about anything, painful or otherwise. I can hear anything from him and be just fine. Add him playing with my hair while in that position and it’s euphoria for me.
And so, mentally, I went there, content as can be. There was more to the meditation than that.. I vaguely remember hearing affirmations of this being good, and safe, and that I was with a very special person who cared for me. That this was how and where I was supposed to be. That I was doing a good job, and was a good submissive. That my Dom was so proud of me.
It lasted for maybe…five, ten minutes, max. When he pulled us out of it I was smiling from ear to ear. I have a roommate who knows when I’ve seen Sir because I have the “doofy Dom” smile on my face when I walk back in the house…and I’m sure that was there. I was giggly..happy, at peace, and felt like I had seen him hours ago instead of a week ago.
YAY new tool. It’s easy enough for me to get back into trance-state and back to that moment again. I may not be able to remember the whole ‘hypnosis’, but I grasped enough to be able to get that feeling back when I need it. It’s progress, definitely 🙂 And it’s nice not to feel as tightly wound as I normally do.
Yours pleasantly surprised,
-Rena
A Spark to Flame 