I am sorry for how sparse this blog has been the last few months. Life became so hectic that.. I became horrible at posting. Now, for the first time, I’m planning on purposefully slowing down on my writing here.
I started this blog when I started my journey into BDSM. It’s gone from my mentor to my first Dominant to my first Master, and has seen many of the twists and turns of relationships recorded here.
Right now, my Master is not mine. I am not his.
I fucked up. I broke a cardinal rule, and it may cost me the love of my life not just as my lover and partner, but even as a friend. I’m not going into details (although I will say that I did not cheat. It wasn’t spicy or exciting.. Sorry. It was just stupidity and laziness on my part).. But there’s no other way to spin it. I fucked up. This is on me. And if it’s fixable, it’s on me to do the work.
That work is why I’m taking a pause on this blog.
I’m working on getting past the shock and the hurt of what just happened. Working on breathing.. And in the end that’s the first part of what I need to do as I move forward. I need to learn again what it’s like to breathe without him. To be “just me” for a little while and what that means. It’s the hardest thing right now. I want his arms around me. I want his lips on mine, want his hands on me.. And I know that can’t happen. I know if it did it would be a lie or a band aid, and that’s so much worse than dealing with this pain in certain ways. I’m working my way through it.
The second part is.. More complicated. Messier. I have a shit ton of work to do on myself, some of which I didn’t realize until I talked with a Dragon late into the evening. I can’t change what happened. It happened. But I can look at why and make sure it doesn’t again in the future. The ‘why’ is what I want to understand… And it’s so much more complicated than I originally thought. Small steps are being taken..things that I never let myself do before. I’m going to start seeing a therapist and try to understand what causes certain spikes in my anxiety and certain reactions to things (thank you, Dragon) and will probably end up uncovering some bits about myself that are rather messy and hard to face. Parts of my past that I long since covered to try to make go away that probably created quite a few triggers for me.
I’m much more broken than I thought I was… And the thought is sobering, along with the knowledge that I don’t want to be this way. So, along with mental work will be other things that need to change. I need a new job. One that is a reliable, 9-5. I want to still work in the city, if only because my studio is there, and I have a feeling that’s going to go back to being a large part of my existence. But I need a full time job that pays the bills. I’ve put off finding another one because of the flexibility of my current job and the ability to wrap it around the schedules of others. I can’t afford that anymore. I have to work on me. On standing on my own two feet so no one is putting out my damn fires for me. So that, if I do submit, I’m doing it willing, not hiding in my submission because it’s easier than dealing with the mundane world problems of life. It doesn’t work that way.
I need to see if I can do poly right now, without my anchor point, and what that means for my other partners. Especially Chris. I honestly don’t know what my emotional threshold is right now. I’m kinda waiting until the emotional turmoil dust settles and I’m able to pick myself up a bit to see. Right now I’m keeping my distance. I don’t want rebound play…. And right now even established partners would be a rebound. That’s not fair to them.
So.. Lots of emotional work, lots of physical work and attempted change.. And then there’s the hardest of all.
He’s given me… So much. He was even going to give me tonight to enjoy. I asked if we were okay. I opened the can of worms. He and I are starting from the bare bottom, up. If I want to regain his trust I have to do it as a friend.
Trust takes time. That’s hard for me already. I want to fix everything. I want my place back, when right now I don’t have a place at all to want back. I want my boyfriend and my Master when neither are mine right now, and it is excruciating. … But it probably should be. And as much as I want to wallow, wallowing won’t accomplish shit other than put more distance between James and I.
I am going to try my hardest, bit by bit, to earn back the trust of the man I love. He has my collar, my slave ring, the pendant he gave me, and my floggers. If he gives everything back to me at once we’re done. There is no hope. But if I can fix this, somehow regain the trust I lost, then bit by bit I get the pieces that I love back.
The worst part of today wasn’t what he said to me. Wasn’t the actual words of us breaking up. It was how he looked at me. How he held me at a distance emotionally when he had slowly been letting me in over this last year. I saw it. The moment he came into the cafe today I saw how tall the walls were. I never want to see that look from him again… And I’m sure I will for a little while. Like I said, trust takes time. There will be fresh hurts as time goes on.. Certain privileges I lose that I thought of as mine. Certain spots lost. Nothing is fixed at all yet. I have to earn back every ounce of trust I lost, which is far from an easy task.
But there is hope… And there is also the knowledge that if he does take me back at the end of all of this, it will probably be a much healthier relationship. I don’t think we were particularly unhealthy before.. But the more I reflect the more I see that parts of myself were. I’ve got to fix.. Many things. And it will be hard. And painful. And I am completely honest when I tell you that I don’t know where this rabbit hole will lead. I don’t know if all the work and the trying in the world is enough to earn James’s trust back. I don’t know.
I know he’s letting me try. I know I’m going to do just that. And I know it’s going to take a shit ton of time.
So, for a little while at least this blog will be silent. I need to do the work, not just write about wanting to.
I will be back though. I’m not abandoning this thing. I just have.. A lot to get through. A lot to change. A lot to do. And I know I can. It’s just gonna take a fuck ton of hard work.
Let’s do this.
Yours hitting “reboot”