Tag Archives: balance

Day 18

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Day 18
Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

James and I have had a rule from the beginning. Before rules. Before titles. There was this.

Honesty, always. Even if I think he won’t like it. Even if it will make him upset. Be honest about what I’m feeling and what’s going on.

I am very bad at telling someone that I care about that I am upset… Unless I am royally pissed off and in that case run. Run far away. But minor things that make me sad? That’s hard for me to express.

More often than not I bury my own emotions, putting the happiness of my partner before my own. His opinions matter more. His priorities. What do I matter at all? I am nothing. Etc. This is a habit that both James and I are working on….

Last Wednesday was a horrible day, for a multitude of reasons. I came to Wicked Grounds emotionally fried and wanting to curl up in James’s lap… And eventually get the ever-loving hell spanked out of me. I kept trying to get myself to voice the request… But all I managed to get out was wanting to give him a blow job (which I kinda always wanna do…) and the cuddles got put off due to the company of a friend once we returned to the cafe.

Taking stock of my deteriorating emotional state, I did what I had to in a method that made me more comfortable. I texted James as we sat in the cafe, asking if we could talk after BaGG.

He gave me the time to talk, he calmed my body (which at that point was shaking), and he actually got me to leave smiling..  But he wouldn’t have known the extent of how much the day’s events had impacted me if I hadn’t vocalized them to him. Something that is a big issue to me sometimes isn’t to him, and vice versa. Whether D or s, communication is key. That breaks down and so does the relationship.

Besides. I don’t care how submissive I am. I’m also an Italian Jersey girl… Getting me to be unopininated just isn’t going to happen.

Yours, sassy yet subby

-Rene

Ps I realize I am behind in these entries. I spent the last few days packing and moving, and while the entries are written they have not been posted… I will be catching up on this today. I apologize in advance for the spam.

Day 16

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Day 16

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

Isn’t it that way with relationships in general, BDSM, kink, vanilla or otherwise? Different relationships have people interacting in different ways.

I’ll start with the second part of this question and then delve back into the first. When I was younger.. around 19 or so, I was in a very unhealthy relationship. It was an abusive rebound that continued for a year… I consider him part of my young and dumb phase. I’ve always been what I consider bicurious. I’ve always thought of women as beautiful creatures and appreciated the female form. I love pixie-like faces, sharp cheek bones and sparkling eyes. I am not immune to the charms of my own gender. It’s just only once in a blue moon that I actually actively pursue a female. I am a big, big fan of the penis. I admit this.

Back then, I was a bitch in the most unhealthy way possible. I was so angry at men for the relationships that I was in that I decided I was going to delve deeply into the lady pond and pursue that side of my sexuality without my boyfriend knowing (I was in Massachusetts and he was in New Jersey at the time, so this was not that hard). … This consisted of several one-night stands, drunkin hookups, me promising to call when I knew I wouldn’t, and all around slutty behavior. In six months I had managed to sleep with more women and burn more bridges than I had in 19 years with men.

It took me a long time to see that my attraction to women was a natural, healthy thing and not just something that grew out of my unhealthy relationship from back then. For a while I assumed I was a switch, because of how I had treated the girls I played with during that time period. I was a toppy douche, calling the shots and telling them when the relationship ended and what would be done… I thought I would end up topping all women.

… Not so. NOPE. It depends on how women approach me. Cal’s former partner, for instance, loved topping females like me. When I said I wasn’t comfortable with that she took this as a challenge and would bait me on a regular basis, saying she would love to dig her heels into my ass, etc, get me to kiss her feet… It made me challenge her right back and want to look eye level with her. I didn’t necessarily want to top her.. But I wanted to meet her in the eye and be her equal.

I wrote in here about my first experience being topped by a woman.. A good friend of mine named Ren. She is very sweet, and for a while wanted me to be her house pet..but I was never physically interested in her in that way. There are a couple that I am physically interested  in these days.. I have a small circle of friends at BaGG, women and men both, that I’ve somehow become entangled with… I want to kneel in front of one while helping her spank the other.. It is a welcoming, healthy feeling.

…That is as toppy as I get, with either gender. If someone asks me to help with a spanking I will.. but otherwise I want the spanking dammit.

As for my submission changing from partner to partner.. Absolutely. I’ve already talked about what I an absolute masochist I can be with James. I love poking the bear just enough to go home black and blue at the end of the night, knowing that we’ll both enjoy it. As sassy as I can be with James there are times when I can be completely docile if that’s what he requires of me. There is no question of who the one submitting is. There is absolutely no question of who belongs to whom. How sassy or sweet or over the top or quiet I am depends largely on my partner. He leads the scene, in every sense. He is an actor. He takes the stage, commands it. He shows me where our marks are. And I happily walk behind him, follow his lead, fall in naturally with the scene he is directing. It all feel right, and gives me a greater peace than anything I can imagine. James is the star… but I’m his leading lady and I know that. No question. No doubt. I love it. I love him.

Huh.. I think that’s the first time I’ve typed that here.. I’ve told him. He knows…but it’s the first time I’ve openly said it.. I’m in love with James. I love being his.

I have another partner that I formally met when I was at Fusion over the summer. He is a fabulous man who did a beautiful needle scene on my back. We hit it off talking before and after the scene and I ended up spending my last night at camp snuggling with him in bed. He is very different than what I am used to.. Older than I’ve played with before (double my age), but doesn’t act it most of the time. I love his energy. He’s put me at ease from the beginning, making friendship with him a very easy thing and not pushing me to to define the relationship between us in any way. He knows I am poly, but my focus is on James. He is KING of poly..has more partners than I can possibly keep track of and has nicknamed me ‘dessert’ because just when he thought his dance card was full I showed up..and there was somehow room. He’s been helping me slowly navigate both my interactions with him and also James.. answering any questions I have with the patience of a saint.

Playing with him is VERY different from playing with James. I don’t have the desire to push myself so much. They’re both sadists, but with Chris I am sassier. I can get away with more because while James reads as all DOM to me, (with the added dash of ‘this is the man I belong to and serve’ thrown in) Chris is very much a switch. When we play I call him sir, and of course I do respect him… but my most docile side seems reserved for James… The man that owns me also owns the part of me that absolutely submits, without question.. Chris does not own me in any way. I like pushing my limits more with him.. seeing if I can squirm away from him when he has me pinned, seeing what wiggling my ass in his direction will get him to do.. and after we will sit, and talk, and exchange kinky stories of the play we have done since we last saw one another. And I enjoy it. I am grateful for Chris’s company for as long as I am graced with it. He’s taught me quite a bit so far.. and reminds me often when I am in a rough patch that he was at one point as well, and that this too shall pass.

I am lucky, very lucky, to have the people in my life that I do. I don’t know how I got so lucky..but I am a very blessed submissive.

yours..and his,

-Rena

One Last Blast

This will be a very short entry.

I’ve mentioned from time to time my search for a new home, and the scramble to find the place.

Life has been a little bit kind to me. I got lucky.. And unlucky at the same time.

I’ve found a new place, more expensive than my last but with so much more potential. And I love it. My roommates are kinky. There is room for Sir to move in if we reach that point. It is the perfect new home for Poe and I.

As if by magic I got a third job at the same time that all of this was finalized… Finally there was light at the end of the tunnel. I was able to slightly dig myself out of the financial hole I’ve sunk into.

… Life never works out perfectly. It’s just how it goes. This new job that made it possible for me to make first months rent suddenly told me after two weeks of pay that I was going to be off for a week and then they will “let me know” if I would be coming back.

I have a good feeling about this job. I’ve gotten nothing but positive reviews so far and I’ve never been let go from a job of this nature… But that doesn’t mean the fear and panic have not set in.. I needed that week of work, desperately, to make rent… They let me know so late that my backup job wouldn’t be able to pay me until the day AFTER rent is due…

Because the universe is funny like that. When everything seems to start falling into place but the littlest thing off throws EVERYTHING off it’s easy to get scared.

I am still working as hard as I can. As I go through my possessions, packing everything up, I am selling what I can..

But I am scared.

When I first started my search for a place I made a gofundme page.. I was not prepped at all to have to move and found out I had 60 days left in my place two weeks before my birthday.. With being so close… SO close to a safe new home and a couple hundred short I am trying one last blast on here..

I feel pathetic asking for financial help when I have tried extremely hard to build myself back up again, and I’ve come so damn close I can taste it… Nothing is stable right now though. And while my ego is suffering at the thought of this… I’m asking for help.

My birthday was about 3 weeks ago now… So if you awesome people out in cyber space take a bit of pity on a twenty something sub and her cat trying to make it by, a secured safe new home would be.. Incredible.

gofundme.com/mss44j4p

That would be me… You all now have a vague idea of what both Poe and I look like..

Thank you for taking the time to read this… I honesty do appreciate it

We now return to our regularly scheduled kinky fuckery

As always, I am yours

-Rene, aka Rena

Day 15

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Day 15

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

Oh goodness yes. Of course my submission has evolved over time.

I’m a big believer in the fact that everyone’s sexuality evolves over time. You grow. You learn more about yourself, about what you actually want in a partner.. or about actually wanting ‘partners’ instead.

For me, I have natural submissive tendencies that just.. come out. I am exceedingly comfortable sitting on the floor at someone’s feet, or even kneeling there for a great length of time. I like cleaning up after partners, making their lives easier by disposing of sodas and plates and glasses in cafes and stuff like that. I like when a partner chooses my clothing, because I like to be as pleasing to my partner as possible (though in all reality for this to be practical I wouldn’t want this unless I was living with a partner.. which I’m currently not). This is without any of the hitty and slappy stuff.

When I first dove into this lifestyle I dove in full force. I had fought being subby for so long.. because females have been fighting so long for equal rights, why on earth would a female want to submit under the hand of a male? It took me over 20 years to wrap my mind around that being okay when both the religion I practiced and the people that raised me preached women standing up to men, being equals, never submitting. Once I embraced the submissive part of myself it was as if the floodgates opened.. I couldn’t control it. I craved ritual, craved the hand of another.. and I got it.

I got the 24/7 relationship I desired… and discovered, over time, that it was exhausting and trying. That in order to keep up the BDSM side of our lifestyle other parts were suffering and communication was breaking down. Eventually, obviously, we broke apart. The pressures of what we were expected to maintain became too great.

I developed from being a 24/7 submissive to being a submissive with a switch. Flip it and I was on my knees in a heartbeat. Ignore it and I stayed in girlfriend mode completely. With my current partner… There is a balance forming in our relationship.. There are times when I am just the girlfriend and not the submissive. I am always his.. because I want to be. Because I expressed that desire, not because he imposed it on me.

The pain thing.. That is also knew. I heard a term the other week that summarized what I am very well. Pain for pleasure. Meaning I take the pain for the pleasure of another. I enjoy being beaten because I see him enjoying it. I look forward to it because I know the pleasure that it will cause my Sir, and that gives me quite a lot of joy. I love showing him how much I can take. How I can lay there and scream and cry but not yellow or red, because I want his hands on me. I want the nails. I want the smacks. I want it all so much…

Oh yes,  my submission has changed over time..and I am thoroughly enjoying how it has transformed, and I’m sure will continue to transform over time…

Yours, a work in progress

-Rena

Day 12

Day 12

Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

No, I don’t personally.

Although I can slip into a submissive mindset at the drop of a hat, I am not Jame’s submissive 24/7. I am not anyone’s submissive 24/7.

I have seen contracts written up between slaves/subs and Masters where the slave/sub signs over all of their property for the duration of the relationship. They’re allowed to use it as their Master sees fit. I know other submissives (especially those who are married) that exist on an allowance from their Sir or Master, and that is all they need.

… I can’t exist like this. It’s a personal thing.

It’s not that I couldn’t sign over my possessions to someone I trusted… and if I belong to someone completely you damn well better believe that I trust them. It’s that I know myself well enough to know that I need a balance between my D/s life and my independent life.

Specifically, that I need some time when I am just Rena. Or I begin to depend on that person much too much. I become a burden, rather than just a chosen responsibility. I fall into a 24/7 mindset and begin to depend on them for everything. From what I wear, to what I need to do next, to what I should say to someone next… and I don’t like myself like that.

That is not to say ANYTHING against true 24/7 submissives. Those that can do it, and do it in a healthy way, I envy. Part of me wishes I could delve into the world of kink without needing any ‘off’ time.. but I’ve been there. I was that way with Kane, and it wasn’t healthy for either of us.

I know submissives who thrive with financial submission woven into their BDSM lives. It helps them budget more, it makes them think before they buy, and all in all has helped them to be a better submissive and person.. This is fantastic..

I… am not in a place where I would be comfortable letting someone else touch my finances and possessions.. Not just because I’m not someone’s collared 24/7 sub..but also because my finances are a wee bit of a mess. I mean.. it’s a normal “fuck I’m in my 20’s” mess… and while I do accept help from time to time when I find myself fucked up shits creek without a paddle, I feel like digging myself out of the financial hole is a 20something right of passage. My partners tend to be older, a wee bit wiser, and have already dug themselves out of the mess I’m in… I don’t want anyone fixing my life lessons for me. I want to do it myself. Learn from it to become a better me. If I was older, in a more stable place, then maybe financial submission would be an option… but for now it’s part of my life that is just mine, just as his finances are part of the ‘just his’ life.

I suppose time will tell if this particular kink ever changes with me. We shall see.

Yours, the starving artist

-Rena

Day 10

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Day 10
Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

For me, BDSM and my submission go hand in hand. I’ve stated several times that how far I am willing to go with it varies from partner to partner, but regardless BDSM is a definite part of my submission.

There is a part of me that is very much a masochist, especially with James. I was at a new club he works at once a month, watching Sir do his thing when he rolled over to me and, as per usual, dug his nails into my chest.  This normally makes me scream. Literally. This time he was nicer.  It hurt, but I barely squeaked.

It threw me off balance. That is not my norm. My norm is whimpering, pushing into his hand but squirming away all at once.  I wanted it harder.

The bondage… That can be questionable. I am far from a rope bunny. I am slightly claustrophobic. I enjoy the exchange of power of being bound down. I relish someone else taking control. But don’t tie me so that my leg is tied to my neck. Don’t render me a rope mummy. Don’t mummify me in general, actually.

We talked about discipline already.. And how much of a top/sadist I am (or rather am not)…

This answer is horribly short. But I suppose that the question was simple.

As always, I am yours

-Rena

The Shrinking Man

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I love the Dominant men I’m involved with, in their different ways for the different relationships I have with them. I’ve gotten the closest to three; the man that found me, the man that owns me, and the man that pushes me. Each relationship is radically different from the last, with different levels of closeness.

Despite all the differences between the men and the relationships I’ve had with them they, along with most Dominant men I’ve met, have had a common trait; one that often clashes with the submissives in their care.

Submissives, by nature, are made to share. To be emotionally honest. To share every last detail, last thought, with the Dominant men in their lives so that the Dominants can be assured that their submissive is healthy, physically and emotionally, and that this relationship is still okay for both of them. In essence, we talk a lot. We share a lot. We can yammer until we’re blue in the face, especially if we’re nervous (just ask Kane…).

Dominants, from my experience, tend to do the opposite. They take any emotional burdens in on themselves. They want to process through emotional stuff on their own. Smith gave me the term “shrinking man”. He’s admitted to shrinking when he’s upset, or going through a hard time. He pulls away, gets quiet. Trying to balance and talk to submissives turns into another emotional burden, making the situation worse.

There’s nothing wrong with not being an emotional talker, with not wanting to express every last emotion and empty out what’s going on in your head. It’s just such a different approach than most submissives take on communication and processing emotions. This can be a bit of a mental mindfuck for subs, especially inexperienced ones.

This journal entry hits close to home for me.. it’s something I personally struggle with, seeing those I care about in emotional turmoil but being unable to help as they help me. A Dominant’s job is to be able to put together all the pieces of their submissive. To know what makes them tick. Know what their triggers are. In that knowledge, they ease their submissive during tough times more so than anyone else. Kane is the first man to see me at my worst, my most depressed, and know exactly how to bring me back from the emo ball of doom that I was in. He did it so easily, so effortlessly, that I hadn’t even noticed what he was doing until after, when I was curled up in his arms and my mood was 20 times lighter.

As a submissive, it’s hard not to feel like a failure when you can’t do the same for your Dominant, or a Dominant in your life. We want to make everything better, to please, it’s a need for us. We need to make it better… or we’re not doing our job, right?

Wrong. This can be the HARDEST thing for a submissive to process. Submissives, who are groomed to be emotionally open and pleasing and cause pleasure for those they care for and trust.

Sometimes you just can’t make it better, and that’s okay.

You, as a submissive, are not a failure if you can’t pull a Dominant in your life out of his funk or mood. It’s hard, because your focus is on them, You get pleasure from their pleasure..and if there is no pleasure for them… falling into their spiral of unhappiness is all too easy. “Why should you be happy” the bad voices say “if they aren’t? Why should you do well, take care of yourself, when you can’t take care of them?”

Because, in the end, taking care of yourself is your job. Yes, you gain pleasure from pleasing Dominants. Yes, I’m sure you care about the Doms in your life, probably even love some of them, or all of them, or one of them. Maybe you only have one spectacular Dominant man in your life who owns you, and you completely come undone for him. Maybe you have other players in the band who don’t have quite that much power over you, but let you come undone all the same. No matter how many men you have holding the flogger in the wings, you are, in the end, your Dominant’s prized possession. If you are not in working order, not taking care of yourself, you cause so much more harm than good.

The easiest way to help a Dominant who cares about you is to care for yourself. Keep going, Don’t shrink when he does, but don’t push either. Continue with your day to day life and do things that make you happy. Keep yourself okay, so that when they’re okay again you’re emotionally healthy enough to really be in their lives. It’s okay to be supportive, to let them know that you are there if they want to talk, or lean on you.. or, you know, beat some of their frustrations out on you if that’s your thing. But it needs to be okay with you, subby sub, if they say “Thank you, but I have to get through this on my own.” It’s not personal, it’s not against you. You are not a bad submissive. Your Dominant is just human, just like you are. Humans have flaws; cracks in their armor, even humans you worship, kneel in front of, and beg to use you for their pleasure. Dominants are not gods.

Polyamory adds a whole other twist to the mental mindfuck of pleasing the Shrinking Man. My friend says often that polyamory helps make you a better you, and that each partner helps bring out different parts of yourself. That may mean that when Mr. Domly Dom goes into shrink mode he turns to another partner instead of you.

This is not a personal attack, subby sub. You are in that person’s care for a reason. They play with you, or date you, or do wonderfully wicked things to you, or snuggle with you, for a reason. If you are in their lives, you hold importance to them and you have to remember that. Polyamory is a juggling act, making sure that every partner feels special and unique and secure in their particular relationship with you. That particular relationship may mean that another partner shoulders the heavier emotions so that your particular relationship with Dommy Dom remains healthy.

I have heard it said, and have said myself, that being a Dominant is a damn hard job. Supporting your submissive, anticipating their needs, and thinking of 12 different outcomes to one event is hard work. But being a submissive can be hard as well. It takes courage to submit, and strength in knowing when to submit and when to merely support. Don’t let the shrinking scare you off from the Dommy Dom, and please don’t read this thinking that all Doms shrink. Hopefully, this will just help a couple subs navigate emotionally choppy waters if it does happen. If you support the people in your lives, and still manage to support yourself, you are a good submissive. Keep going. Things will get better.

Yours hopefully helpful,

Rena

Peace of Mind (In Uncertain Times)

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I love watching Kane paint.

It’s not one of those things that I can put into words as to why, and it’s a hard balance for me between wanting to indulge in the enjoyment and making sure that my watching doesn’t make him uncomfortable. I don’t particularly like people watching me work over my shoulder. But he puts up with me doing it, and so I watch, content to sit quietly while he paints.

He and I are so different in so many ways. He is practical, he is logic. I am emotion, always emotion first. Sometimes that can be a fantastic mix, and sometimes it can be volatile.

It has been over a year now since I’ve started this journey. Over a year since Cal first messaged me and I jumped down the BDSM rabbit hole. Do I regret it?

Kane and I were out to dinner the other night and I mentioned it to him, that I had been in this world for a year. I asked if he thought I had made a mistake in staying in San Francisco.

“Sometimes.” He said. “I feel like you would had been further down your path if you had gone.”

I disagree. I feel as if I would have been further down my path as an artist.. but my work would be going in a very different direction from the turn it has taken. I would be in a city that yes, I enjoy greatly, but that has very few jobs. I would have enough student loan debt to keep me drowning for the next 40 years. I could teach, yes…but at what cost?

I didn’t choose the path he would have. I chose my heart over my head, emotion and need over logic. Do I regret it? No. Not at all. Not a single day.

Submission is a need for me. Even when I didn’t acknowledge it, it was there. I can remember with my very first “real” boyfriend certain key behaviors; for instance, my favorite spot was sitting at his feet while he played video games in his favorite chair. Why? it wasn’t as if I thought less of myself than I did of him. It was just that I enjoyed sitting at his feet. I felt at peace being there. By the time Jason and I split I knew well what I was. I had gotten him to dress me, spank me, claim me, mark me.. I knelt at his feet out of my own choosing, not his. I had Googled these urges to know what it was without Cal having to give it a name.

With how much these behaviors leaked out of me, there was a time limit on how long I could suppress my submissive side. Cal’s first message was just the final excuse to embrace it.

Submitting is the only thing that makes my brain STOP. All other aspects of my life are under control, for once.. Getting them under control have taken some time (hence my absence lately) but I’ve done it. It’s just.. a constant juggling act. And it’s exhausting. The NEED to submit becomes so strong sometimes it’s painful. Spank me. The silent voice inside me screams. Pull my hair. Fuck my mouth. Use my body for your pleasure. Take control and use to me to ease your aches. In doing so, you ease mine. You make the world stop, just for a little while, and I can be. Just be.

There are very few days where I feel as if I do good for Kane.. The other day I got the chance to do so. To aid him, and to help both of us. I am terrified of his rejection, of his frustration. I know I am a trying creature to deal with at times. I try his patience on a regular basis and can tank his mood if I push a subject too hard. The submissive of me is extra conscious about this…because each time I upset him it feels like I’ve failed him. I’m supposed to bring him pleasure and joy, not frustration and grief.

And so, when given the chance to do actual GOOD for him, un-fuckable good, I jumped for joy. Quite literally at one point. And I took a risk. I asked for what I wanted, for a way to aid both of us in sleeping well. I wanted to service him… needed to. I craved submitting to him, giving him pleasure and only pleasure. No grief. No emotions, no outside world or questions. Just service.

And he said yes.

And for just a little while, my brain shut the fuck up and I did good. I pleased him. And it felt so damn fucking good.

I am a submissive. I am not ashamed to crave his touch. A year ago, I would have been. I would have questioned what was wrong with me, that I wanted this man to use me. That my pleasure stemmed from his. That when he hurt me he didn’t harm me. Instead, that his spankings can bring me euphoric bliss.

A year ago I would not have called myself poly. I wouldn’t have even considered the idea of Smith, in fact a year ago a man like Smith who is VERY poly (enough partners to make up a small harem, as much as he disagrees with me) would have broken my heart. Instead, Smith has done so much good for me. He’s shown me how enjoyable poly can actually be, how multiple partners really do allow you to be the best you that you can be. He pulls out the aspects of my submission I still shy away from and has me stare them down, say that I’m not ashamed of them. Instead, he pushes me to embrace them.

He also.. listens. He loves hearing about Kane and I, about our relationship before we (Smith and I) met, about how it is now. What we do together when we are together. How I feel about him. Without Smith I wouldn’t have been brave enough to ask for what I wanted the other night.

I love watching Kane paint, with sure strokes and a steady brush. I don’t know why. When I watch him, I think about my own work. The direction it is going in, the ideas his paintings give me for glazing techniques. As an artist, I admire Kane. On the canvas I see his emotions and his logic, I see his imperfections and his expertise, and part of me understands why I feel at peace when I kneel at his feet. Because for as different as he and I can be, we share a need that overlaps. We both need to create to function.. When we’re not working, we’re not okay. We both gain inspiration from dark desires, he from Dominating, me from submission.

Nothing in either of our lives is easily fixed, and nothing for either of us is certain right now. I don’t know when the day will come where he just doesn’t want me anymore. I’m terrified of that day. Because right now, I don’t need romantic hearts and flowers, or promises or expectations of love. I need use. I need a hand wrapped around my neck and a cock buried in my ass. I need to know that I do good with my service, that for a brief moment in our chaotic lives his brain stops going into overdrive just as mine does, and I bring him pleasure.

Use me. Twist me and turn me as you desire. Fuck me, don’t fuck me. Pull my hair, smack my ass.. because from your pleasure, I gain pleasure. From your release I gain inspiration. I am an artist inspired by my submission. And I refuse to be ashamed of that need. It has been a long fucking year, and I’m sure the next will be just as long, but it has given me a core part of myself and people in my life that understand and accept that part of me.

And a cat. I can’t forget Poe.

Many things in life change. Relationships change. Smith talks about necessary tweaking from time to time… and while my sexual identity may need “tweaking” from time to time, it’s no longer a big taboo question mark. That’s a good feeling.

Yours, as always, a proud subby and a work in progress

-Rena

Endure

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Yes, I do, I believe
That one day I will be where I was
Right there, right next to you
And it’s hard, the days just seem so dark
The moon, the stars are nothing without you

Your touch, your skin,
Where do I begin?
No words can explain the way I’m missing you
Deny this emptiness, this hole that I’m inside
These tears, they tell their own story

You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling’s overwhelming, it’s much too strong

Can I lay by your side, next to you, you
And make sure you’re alright?
I’ll take care of you,
And I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight

EVERY time I hear this Sam Smith song I think of Kane. I miss him.

It’s not as if he isn’t in my life. He is.. and I see him making a huge effort lately to give me time with him. That means so much right now. The man is going through absolute hell and still manages to leave a place beside him for me… He can’t be an acting Dom for me right now…and I despeately miss that…but it leaks out in other ways. In the way he treats me in the lovely mundane world. He watches out for me still..cares for me still even while he’s trying to keep the pieces of his life together. I beyond admire, adore, and love this man.. I am lucky to still wear his collar.

Yes, I’m still alive.. I’m chugging along in a chaotic world. Right now my world lacks kink and revolves around the almighty dollar. I can’t remember the last time I had sex… I’ve passed that phase of wanting to fuck just to fuck. It’s not going to be gratifying or cathartic. It will just make me feel disloyal to those I’m intimately,  emotionally involved with.

Valentines day weekend was.. unique for me. It has beome habit for me that when Kane needs time and space I reach out for Smith. I am lucky in that I seem to surround myself with men who have the patience of saints. Since we met in November Smith has heard me whine, and cry, and whimper, and beg.. and for some reason is still in contact with me. He is this giant safety bubble for me… He has a primary. Emotionally, I have a primary. The main spot is filled. We both identify as poly..and because the big spot is already claimed for both of us there’s no pressure. There’s just this lovely exploration of figuring out where this will go with us.

Valentines Day weekend was the first time he was out of reach the same time that Kane was. Both were equally unreachable. Both needed space during a time when hearts, flowers, and romance are all shoved down my throat left and right. I spent a good month glaring at stuffies and chocolate, knowing I would be alone on that day, mentally bracing for it.

What startled me was not the loneliness, but how I dealt with it. That it seems to have become this normal state of existance for me. I acknowledge the ache, the missing of these constant anchors in my life. Talking to Kane and Smith is part of my daily routine. The ache doesn’t stop me though.. it doesn’t wake the Sleeping Man. If anything I was over productive while they were gone, determined to get my shit together to make them proud.

Money sucks right now. Student loans are relentless and I don’t have much of a life. I’m not drowning. I’m just going. And going. And going. Keeping my head above water..and I’m pretty proud that I can finally pick up my own pieces. It’s just a lot of pieces to juggle. Down time can no longer exist.. I get one day a week when I’m not working and my work days are 10 hour days.

I can do this. I can do this. I tell myelf this over and over. I will not drop the ball. I will not hold the ball. I will endure.

Kink, or the idea of it, has become my reward for hard work. When I’m stressed shitless I make lists, attempt to get scattered thoughts in order. I write down when payments are due and how much. When I need how much money by. Marking when I will need to haul ass. And when I do it, when I get everything done and I go home to Poe at the end of the day, I look at my reward listand see what I can obtain first.

The entire list is kinky..the beginnings of a personal toy kit that I can guarantee will be kept safe and be used just on me. The items range from a new flogger with the weight and bite that I crave to a new rainbow tail, to an Alyson Tyler novel I’ve wanted to read for months. Some of the items will take a long time for me to afford… because there is a mundane list of needs. Groceries. A new laptop (yup. Still haven’t replaced my stolen one. Typing on my tablet at the moment). A flight home to see my little sister’s play in March.

I can do it. I can do it. Endure. Just endure. Just keep going… Make them proud. Make myself proud.

I am Rena. and I am still here.

Selfish…Selfless…Self-help?

Sigh. I get myself into sticky situations on a regular basis. Along with tripping over air and crashing into objects that I swear to Godde weren’t there a second ago I consider it one of my special talents.

I find myself in one now. My 23rd birthday is on Monday. As I am a baby in this world, it is my first birthday away from both of my parents and all of my old friends back east. Last year I turned 22 in Chicago and spent the day driving through Iowa and Nebraska with my daddy on my way to California to start my brave new life. … Considering the lifestyle I now live, I would definitely call the journey worth it, but until recently very lonely.

Part of that loneliness was due to me trying to turn a romantic situation into something it wasn’t for much too long. Until March I was so solely focused on Jase and he and I moving to Portland for grad school that I didn’t think to attempt to make friends in San Francisco outside of the casual acquaintances I associated with from art school (none of whom I talk to now). Jase was my stability in California… Until he wasn’t.

If it weren’t for the series of events that led to Jase and I ending any sort of romantic relationship and Cal leading me into the BDSM scene I would probably still be a very lonely antisocial turtle. Now I have friends here.. Which is fantastic, and I know that many of them would gladly take me out for a drink and then give me proper birthday beatings. I am also blessed with an amazing boyfriend and Dominant that for some reason gets great joy in spoiling me and makes me smile at least 20 times a day.

Jase and I have definitely distanced ourselves from one another. His girlfriend has great issues with my existence and there are at least three Dominant men in my life that have issues with his face being in one piece.. Along with other parts of his anatomy. But we have old traditions that flair up from time to time, and one of those traditions is a birthday visit.

We always celebrate each other’s birthdays, though often months after the actual events. I go to him or he goes to me and we go out with friends. We drink. Until recently we’ve also fucked. And so, as my birthday got closer I got the text that I was expecting yet dreading.
“Hey so for your birthday weekend you’re coming down, right?”

Of course I am. Why wouldn’t i?
Oh. Money
My relationship
His relationship
OUR RELATIONSHIP

I talked to Kane about it and expressed the normalcy of he and I seeing one another. I also mentioned that I wanted to do something fun for my birthday. I wanted to go out. Drink. Be 23. All my friends here are wonderful, but in their thirties if not very late twenties… If not older. Normally that’s who I get along better with. But sometimes a girl likes to get stupid.

And that’s when I did a stupid. A big stupid.

Kane is very hesitant about expressing ideas sometimes. He doesn’t want to seem desperate or greedy for my time. I’m very bad at saying when I want something. It’s like pulling teeth. I was raised with the mindset that if you ask for something that you are selfish and greedy. You shouldn’t have wants, and should accept that what your partner gives you is all you need.

Essentially. I was raised to believe that all men have psychic powers.

The combination of all this led to Kane proposing an honest amazing offer for what he and I could do for my birthday weekend… And me thinking it was said jokingly.

I accidentally said no to Disneyland. For a weekend drinking on Jase’s couch. GAH.

Kane went so far as to lend me the money for the way too expensive plane ticket. We finally clarified what actually went on last Saturday and I wanted to cry. What an idiot I was!

Jason promised that we would have a good time, and Kane promised that we would go to Disneyland together the next weekend he is free. Okay. Crisis averted. Maybe.

Nope. I wanted to give Jase a chance. He promised us going out and that he would cover $100 of my ticket as my birthday present. He promised we would socialize with friends and wouldn’t be alone together. Well, he texts me today saying he has to shell out a lot of cash for a driving class. I go okay… Can you still contribute to my ticket. He says no.

I then freak out. And frantically text Kane asking if it’s too late for Disney. I was going to Jase’s out of obligation. Because this is what we do and because he promised a good time. I was sacrificing my birthday to him.

Rena a year ago would have gone “okay. Fine. I’ll cover all the ticket. You just pay me the hundred when you can and I’ll still come down and pay for anything I want to do.”

Rena now is going “wait. I have other options. Do I HAVE to do this… Or can I do what I want to do?”

I am capable of being selfish. I am capable of wants. I want to have fun on my birthday and not make myself go broke doing it. I told Jase that I had to talk to Kane. That if nothing else I can come down in a month on my own dime when tickets will be cheaper and we can do my birthday then.

Jase got territorial. Saying well he can give me 50 instead of nothing if I come. Saying that we wouldn’t be able to do much since he would have 10 bucks left to entertain me, but we could drink in his apartment and watch tv. Come see me. Do what you’re supposed to.

Kane said we would look at our options tonight. That he’s committed to a presentation at 5 on Friday but other than that the possibilities are endless.

Endless possibilities. A magical birthday maybe?

Do I do what I want to do, or what I have been obligated to do for so long? Will my guilty conscience allow me to enjoy myself if I go with Kane somewhere that’s 10 minutes away from Jase and NOT see him? Will I finally have a real regret if I go see Jase and postpone magic with Kane?

There has to be some sort of compromise.

I’ll figure it out. Hell. Kane and I will figure it out. I love that I’m not alone in this.. That I have someone to pick apart my brain and tell me when I’ve truly done right or wrong.

I’m determined to have an awesome 23rd birthday dammit!!!

Rawr

-Rena