Yesterday was an exercise in “distract the pixie”, where I had been so determined to get my damn work done so that I could relax afterward and not stress as much about money.
Ha. Haha. HA.
The good thing that came out of this distraction was coffee with a friend of mine. Squeeks is a switch, and one of my few friends actually really close to my own age. She’s been in the scene even longer than I have, and is actually the reason that James and I ended up close. We’ve been friends for a good while now, but she moved back down to San Jose from San Francisco after graduating from college so I don’t see her nearly as much.
She was going to an event at the kink.com Upper Floor, I was putting off driving in circles. We both had time to kill, so I collected her from the Mission and we went to go catch up.
After much cuddles and a couple spankings to make the people in the coffee shop twitch (tee hee…) she started poking me about my relationship with James. She… kinda continually whopped the two of us upside the head until one of us finally asked the other out, and as I said she’s friends with both of us, so girl gossip happens. And so I smiled, and I giggled, and I sighed a bit, and I talked about being in a healthy relationship for the first time in a long while.. and how difficult it seemed to be for me to wrap my head around the feelings that had started to come up.
We started talking about Kane, and about how much damage he actually did to me keeping me a secret for so long. As much as I loved him, as much as I always will, there is a part of me very angry at him for how ashamed he acted of me. For all that he promised.. he disappointed a lot, and I still have quite a bit of trouble actually saying that certain things were purely his fault.
Casting blame on a Dominant has always been difficult for me, from the start. When something goes wrong my mind goes to “What did I do and how can I fix it?”, which isn’t always how it should be.
“It’s because of how you were trained,” Squeeks told me as we munched on our coffee house treats. “Consciously or subconsciously, you were trained to cast the blame on yourself, when a lot of us were trained the opposite. When my primary was training me he told me, over and over, ‘If something goes wrong it’s on me, not you. I’m your Dominant, I’m your caretaker, and I’m supposed to have control of your care and your training. If that goes awry it’s on me, not you.’ You seem to always do the opposite. You shrink like you want to disappear or like you’re about to get hit with a newspaper. It’s not something you think about, it’s just something that happens. Your mind and body automatically respond that way.. it makes me sad.”
Honestly? It makes me sad too. I’m not quite sure where that reaction came from.. whether it’s a blender effect from a few bad relationships mushed together or from back in the beginning of this journey with the Cal and girlfriend debacle.. or even more ripple effect from Kane.. But it’s there, built in.
Retraining yourself is not the easiest thing in the world.. All of us have had to do it in different ways, with different behaviors. It took me a good 22 years to look in the mirror at myself and see someone beautiful and not a bloated whale who should be a size 2 looking back. It takes some months to get into a healthy exercise routine and see working out as a good thing to be enjoyed and not a painful struggle. Routines and thought patterns, once set, are extremely hard to shake.
… Like right now.. I’ve been fighting going to work, because it’s not nearly as fun as other things I could do, but I need the money, and coming up with all of my rent in a week is not a fun social experiment with Leather Alley coming up… so…
Time to start making some healthy mental habits. I’m off to work.. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Not that I’m that old… but still.. It’s hard to change mental patterns, but not impossible.
Especially given the right support, and a healthy environment..
Right. Work. Off I go!
Yours, as always