Tag Archives: new life

One Last Blast

This will be a very short entry.

I’ve mentioned from time to time my search for a new home, and the scramble to find the place.

Life has been a little bit kind to me. I got lucky.. And unlucky at the same time.

I’ve found a new place, more expensive than my last but with so much more potential. And I love it. My roommates are kinky. There is room for Sir to move in if we reach that point. It is the perfect new home for Poe and I.

As if by magic I got a third job at the same time that all of this was finalized… Finally there was light at the end of the tunnel. I was able to slightly dig myself out of the financial hole I’ve sunk into.

… Life never works out perfectly. It’s just how it goes. This new job that made it possible for me to make first months rent suddenly told me after two weeks of pay that I was going to be off for a week and then they will “let me know” if I would be coming back.

I have a good feeling about this job. I’ve gotten nothing but positive reviews so far and I’ve never been let go from a job of this nature… But that doesn’t mean the fear and panic have not set in.. I needed that week of work, desperately, to make rent… They let me know so late that my backup job wouldn’t be able to pay me until the day AFTER rent is due…

Because the universe is funny like that. When everything seems to start falling into place but the littlest thing off throws EVERYTHING off it’s easy to get scared.

I am still working as hard as I can. As I go through my possessions, packing everything up, I am selling what I can..

But I am scared.

When I first started my search for a place I made a gofundme page.. I was not prepped at all to have to move and found out I had 60 days left in my place two weeks before my birthday.. With being so close… SO close to a safe new home and a couple hundred short I am trying one last blast on here..

I feel pathetic asking for financial help when I have tried extremely hard to build myself back up again, and I’ve come so damn close I can taste it… Nothing is stable right now though. And while my ego is suffering at the thought of this… I’m asking for help.

My birthday was about 3 weeks ago now… So if you awesome people out in cyber space take a bit of pity on a twenty something sub and her cat trying to make it by, a secured safe new home would be.. Incredible.

gofundme.com/mss44j4p

That would be me… You all now have a vague idea of what both Poe and I look like..

Thank you for taking the time to read this… I honesty do appreciate it

We now return to our regularly scheduled kinky fuckery

As always, I am yours

-Rene, aka Rena

Recluse

Oh boy. Oh boy… ohhh boy.

This will be a long post. I apologize for this.

I got back to San Francisco about two weeks ago from a FANTASTIC trip home. The only thing missing was Kane.

It was an odd feeling for me, missing someone as much as I did when I was only away for a week and a half. It just..felt like he should be there for everything. Like he belong there, and would have enjoyed it. I wanted to share my old haunts with him; my childhood hideaways and my loves. I sent videos and photos of my childhood home to him, showing more to him than I have to anyone in a long time, sharing pieces of myself that I have held tight and guarded for way too long.

Regardless, I had to returned. I returned to a week without him and two weeks of hell at work.

I very rarely discuss my work on this blog because it involves childcare..and childcare and BDSM rarely mix well. I had been hired as one thing, and gradually throughout the months I had watched my position slowly crumble to a mere shadow of itself and began dreading going to work. My duties were never the same day to day. They began to change radically, drifting into a realm that were not at all involved in my job description.

Poor Kane. The man had the patience of a saint with me this week. He got double whammied with a girlfriend/submissive that had her period AND severe work problems. The anxiety was so bad that I found myself unable to get into the submissive mindset at all.

I have not gone to a play party in a month and a half. A month was because of other commitments. Two weeks have been by my choice. Last night I could have gone with Kane if I had truly wanted to. He would have happily taken me to the Citadel and put me on one of the crosses that I love. He would have used the purple suede flogger on me first, to warm up, and perhaps teased me with the rabbit fur flogger so much that I fantasize about curling up in bed and snuggling it like a stuffed animal… Then the thud and sting of the red leather flogger would have started, with an added weight that the other two pieces lack… In an idea world he would have hit me in a steady rhythm that I count in my mind like a dance count, getting lost in the strikes until I’m pushed so high I’m flying… Mmmm…

A shiver of pleasure just went up my spine. I miss that. I crave that. But for the past couple weeks it’s almost like my submissive side has been hibernating…and it is a large part of who I am as a person. A large part that has been missing. I was shocked when I came back from my trip and Kane bent me over for a spanking for the first time..because it HURT. I cried. My pain tolerance was gone, pathetic to a point that made my heart sink. I had built it up quite a bit before I left, and I wasn’t gone long.. around ten days. Kane and I had been playing in private and public on a regular basis, almost nightly, and I was shocked when the thing that had given me so much pleasure caused me actual pain. Not the buzzed pain.. the bad pain. THE FUCK???

What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I get there? I thought part of it was Kane and I playing at my place. My little in law apartment is always in a state of chaos. I’m there maybe one week out of the month on average, mostly just spending the weekend. The rest of the time I’m at Kane’s with him…and so I’ve never actually fully unpacked. It’s not a home, it’s a resting place in chaos. When I’m with him there it feels like home. I thought that playing at my place, a place that I normally don’t associate with BDSM, coupled with he and I not spending the night together was making it harder for me to slip back into the submissive mindset. I was definitely his horny little girlfriend, and the sex was fantastic… but I just couldn’t get there.

This surprising week of short play was the prelude to the week from hell of work.. combine the two and it was a recipe for disaster. The FLOGGER hurt me when Kane put it to my skin. I found my mind wandering and had to constantly bring myself back. I didn’t want to strip. Didn’t want to see myself naked. I spent way too much time crying, which is something I absolutely hate doing.

Kane is an incredible boyfriend, I will say that frankly. His ability to comfort me, to make me feel safe and have me believe that everything will actually work out. I have my spot as a girlfriend, curled up on the couch with him. I lean into his side and put my head on the nook in his shoulder and he drapes his arm around me. There is my safety spot, where nothing can touch me. And there is where I’ve been hiding.

I’ve dealt with depression all of my life. Major depressive disorder runs in my family. My dad has it, my grandmother has it, etc. It’s not constant with me, it spikes when I get anxious or when the road gets rocky. Combine that with hormones of the month and…yeah. I was bad. Even in the environment of Kane’s apartment with him I just couldn’t get there. I didn’t want to go on fetlife, didn’t want to see my kinky friends, and just wanted Kane. I wanted my rock, my safety, my assurance that even though my job was miserable and the progress of our relationship meant things would get worse before they got better that everything really would be okay.

He causes old feelings to surface that I had forgotten existed.. It’s been a long time since I talked about marriage and kids with anyone. I don’t do that. Don’t trust people enough to lift up my walls and reveal the girly squishy bits of myself. Kane continually breaks down my walls. We’re in too deep at this point, and are set on a future with one another. With kids… though marriage seems to be arguable.

Last night was the culmination of KABOOM that has become my life. My work had become unbearable. My hours got changed and cut yet again, and my duties had become out right illegal. I quit, knowing that if nothing else I own a car (that was in the shop with a check engine light on. It turned out to all be fine but it was definitely an added stresser) and was halfway to starting up Lyft, which I could live off of easily if I worked the hours that Kane was at work. I love driving, and I love talking to people so the job would be easy for me. And I was sick of crying.

This turned Kane into a stress ball…which I hate seeing. He thinks of every possible outcome, and the more he thinks the more he shuts down and just doesn’t communicate. He doesn’t want to stress me out with his worries which just stresses me out and I worry more…it’s a cycle of stress that ends in both of us breaking, and that’s exactly what happened. I broke first, sobbing at something silly. He shut down because he thought I blamed him for the entire situation..when I just hated the situation in general.

It ended in he and I going for dinner and a drive and talking about some hard realities. Realities like he and his wife splitting up, but not having a time line for it. Like we want kids, but I want marriage and he will only get married if he has to. Neither of us expected to be this intense this soon, to be talking about living with each other and getting a “transition” apartment between now and his lease ending in February. But we’re here. And we’re dealing with it. And we both agree that the relationship is worth it.. which is what in the end matters.

I can hear Cal’s words echoing in my mind from time to time, advice he gave me when I first told him about Kane. Yes, fall. Yes, the relationship is worth it, but he and I will both hurt one another. And we are, we do, but we also keep each other going. We inspire one another when we’re not in mire and muck, and we come up with crazy artistic ideas that lead to other ideas that lead to amazing studio nights.

He is helping me pick up the pieces of my life, but he is not doing it while I sit on my ass. Yes, I have more financial problems than he does. Yes, he has more relationship problems than I do (that whole “I have a wife I need to hopefully separate amicably from” thing)..but we are definitely knee deep in a “we” thing. We are building a life together, piece by piece, and part of that is he and I getting our separate lives together in the ways that we must. I need a job, asap, hopefully with health insurance (which is something I lack right now..another stresser). And I need a firmer hand from Kane. I need discipline when I’m too sassy or too out of line, or don’t do what he asks me to do.

He was shocked when I mentioned this to him last night. “You don’t do what I say most of the the time. I just didn’t think you wanted that.”

“Of course I do!” I responded. “I’m a twenty four seven sub! Part of that is wanting, no, needing tasks from my dominant.” And part of that is pushing my limits. Seeing how bratty I can be before I get consequences. Kane figured that out. He set rules.

Now, after this long long LONG blog post that has followed an even longer week, progress is being made in my vanilla life and in my BDSM life. Next week I WILL go to the play party at the Citadel, and will dive back into munches again. I will reach out to friends I’ve been shunning in between applying to fifty million jobs. And most importantly I will work with my dominant. I will scene with him. I will build my pain tolerance back up and fall back into the steady rhythm and embrace of the flogger Kane wields. I will fly again, sometime soon.

Finally, I’m feeling better.

Yours coming out of hibernation

~Rena

Albatross Loss

I thought I would be staying away longer than I am from this thing… but it’s been an interesting and tough week so far…

I have nothing spicy to talk about. I wish I did. I would rather spicy over sad.

I’ve cut Jason out of my life for the most part… I told him a few days ago that I wasn’t coming down for his graduation. I wasn’t comfortable, and I couldn’t afford it, frankly. I need to get in the swing of things with my new job and finish school this week. He seemed alright with it, as long as I come visit in June once he’s back from his graduation trip to Europe. I said fine. If nothing else I would visit with my older sister when we drove my car out from Jersey. Nice, platonic. Quick.

A couple days after that all of a sudden his relationship status changes on Facebook. He has a girlfriend. His girlfriend is a single mother who he has never met in person, who lives 3000 miles away. They’ve “Skyped a few times and he’s feeling good about it.” I have very little issue with the distance, which may sound odd. However, when he and I started dating we lived 3000 miles away. I was actually going to school right next to where his new ‘girlfriend’ lives. It bothers me that he would call someone his girlfriend when he’s never met her in person, and be so reckless with the relationship when there is a child involved who doesn’t have a father figure.. But it’s not my relationship. It’s not my right to be involved with that, and I let go of those issues as quickly as I could.

What bothers me about their relationship is she know nothing about what happened between Jason and I. For all she knows he hasn’t had sex in eons. Apparently they exchanged Valentines in February. Funny, since I was there for a very consensual visit over Valentines Day weekend and he didn’t mention her once. The messiness of the whole situation, the lies to both of us, this playing two part against the middle thing.. I don’t even know this man. I don’t want to know this man, who seems to be so unraveled compared to the man that I knew and loved two years ago. Ignoring the text messages has been hard… harder than I thought. “I think that you will find you will feel  lot better when you let go of this albatross from around your neck”, Sir said. He’s right, I know he’s right. And I will feel much better once the pain actually stops, and that place that used to be his in my heart stops throbbing. I wanted to reach out to him today, tell him about what happened…

What happened spurred the knowledge and shedding of albatross number two. I got a text message from D, whom I haven’t talked to in about six weeks. A classmate of ours from high school had suddenly passed away, and it hit me harder than I thought. She barely knew him. They met up in high school and he was just a constant fixture at school. I had gone all through elementary school with him and had known him since I was five years old. We weren’t close… but he was part of my home town. A fixture. A homing beacon for how the place was supposed to be. Him being gone at just twenty-three has left me jarred, more so than I thought it would.

I got emotional. I was brave and asked if she and I were okay.

That may have been a mistake. But it also may have been the solution to a decade-old weight I’ve been carrying on my shoulders. She told me “If you really loved yourself, you wouldn’t be in such an unhealthy relationship. You would pursue something normal.” I stared at the text message for a little while. I thought I would be angry, or really upset. Instead, I honestly wondered if she was talking to me or herself.

“I am happy” I responded “for the first time in over two years. I am just starting a job that I love. My work is getting noticed, and I’m starting to take real pride in it. I look in the mirror and I find myself dressing better and holding my shoulders higher, because someone takes pride in me being his, and in knowing me. Someone cares about me, genuinely, and is more open and honest with me than any man I have ever met. Even if he worries that what he tell me may send me running, he tells me. He genuinely wants the best for me. What about that sounds unhealthy to you?”

“The age difference.”

Blink. Blink blink. Really? She watched my entire relationship with Jason. She watched him jerk me around. Saw the ups, saw the downs. Saw when he broke me. I tell her that I am finally happy…and her response is well he’s too old for you? Is that all you can see?

D knows about my kinks. She knows the nature of mine and Sir’s relationship. There are many other flags she could have waved, and she chose to play the age card. I finally asked if she could ever just let my relationship be and be able to be friends regardless? After all..her boyfriend hates me, and I leave hers be. Sir doesn’t even have a problem with her, as far as I know. He doesn’t know her. I could just keep my Cali life in Cali when I saw her at home.

“No. I’m sorry. If you insist on something so unhealthy I’m not comfortable being friends with you.”

I wonder why I never had the courage to say something like that to her. All through high school and my undergrad, with all the issues she’s had in the past… that could have been my way out. I’ve known D for so long though. I thought she was a friendship obligation; someone I had to always take care of because I was the one that had stuck it out through school. I still reached out when everyone else had tucked tail in run.

It’s not just romantic relationships that can turn toxic and abusive. Friendships can as well. D and I have walked that line for a very long time.

It’s not going to be a “FUCK YOU” parting. I explode. D broods. She plays passive aggressive and is very good at head games. Whenever explosive fights happen between us it’s because I start them… and I’m not starting anything this time. I don’t want to fight. I want to be able to be happy, and for the people in my life to be happy for me.

It’s not just my relationship. D hasn’t been happy about my work, my school, my… life. I told her about my new job and she said she wished she could be so lucky, why hadn’t anyone caught her a break, etc…

I just won’t reach out anymore… I won’t answer the texts when Jason tells me about his girlfriend and their Valentines. I won’t answer the Facebook prompts when D tags me. I just..am going to live my life. And enjoy it.

Why did I hold on to this for so long? Why did I allow such unhealthy relationships in my life, and why did it take a loss to see that?

BAH

Purging! Purging of the old to make room for the new. I want an actual life if I’m staying out here in San Francisco for another year. I want friends. Actual friends. Not just people I live with or go to school with. I want to go out at night and dance and have fun and not have to be the old lady babysitting with all the damaged strays.

I want to be happy. And I’m getting there. Even if there’s some pain along the way I’m getting there. Bye bye albatrosses. Go hang off someone else.

Right now..back to the hell that is the last two days of classes. I have school shit to do. Before work. Which is before more school shit. Which is before more work…

You see the pattern.

Off I go! A little lighter, if a bit more fatigued

-Rena