Tag Archives: problems

Reclaiming

2015/01/img_4308.jpg

I’m still typing these entries on my phone… But there are worse things than lack of a laptop.

Though I’m not gonna lie. I do miss having one.

My car window is fixed and I’m working again. That is a fantastic feeling in and of itself. I have a whiney little cat child that can’t be left alone for too long or he does horribly wicked things… Like eat every flower in the case or open and knock over the giant bottle of lube… So I’m not quite working the hours I was working in December, but I’m slowly putting my life back together.

So far out of the things stolen from me I have reclaimed the cell phone chargers and my books… The books have a story.

I was driving around last night doing the Lyft thing and finally making some much needed funds. There was a particularly difficult passenger in the car next to me, and I was near what I wanted to make for the evening, so I knew he would be the last. He ended up directing me down the route I used to take on the Muni to SFAI what feels like a world ago. While tuning out Mr Difficult I smiled as I passed the It’s A Grind, the cute boutique stores

The Good Vibes.

Did I mention the books that were stolen were kink books?

Technically the first time around the books were free for me.. A world ago Kane and I went to Good Vibes and he went on a bit of a.. Spending spree, purchasing the foundations of our toy bag together. Enough that he managed to fill out four completely stamped discount cards, getting me a total of 40 dollars in free merch… which I spent on boons over about six months.

Yes. Mock me all you want. 40 bucks to a sex toy store and I buy books. They’re good books!!!

Well, before last night I had yet to repurchase a single thing that was lost. I got it stuck in my head that this little pixie would reclaim her books if I could manage to get a parking spot within a block of Good Vibes.

Whelp. I got my spot. I power walked to the store, a determined little soldier on a mission, and walked in just as an orgasm training class was letting out. They had one one the books that I lost.. And another that was similar but not quire right. I took a risk, figuring I could always purchase the other book down the line. Dipshit me couldn’t find my discount card (I had 5 stamp spots left DAMMNIT!).

The nice lady behind the counter stamped up an entire new card for me. So.. Today, I went to Good Vibes #2 and got stolen book #2 for free… Three sexy books for the price of two? I will take that bone, universe.

Next on the list is a new journal and drawing pen. It won’t be from Sir… But I feel naked without it. And drawing and sketching makes me happy. Writing makes me happy.

I like being happy. What a concept. And I can be happy outside of situations where I’m strapped to a cross with a flogger striking my ass repeatedly.

I do miss those moments though.

I didn’t expect while I was reclaiming bits and pieces of myself that were taken that my Dominant would reclaim me.

After a hard day of work there is no better sight than a sexy Dom with a strawberry shake.

Okay. Backtrack. I hadn’t seen Kane in 5 days. 5 LONG days.. I had finally hit the ultimate sexual wall. I could no longer make myself cum with a vibrator and fantasy alone. After nearly a month without feeling Kane’s hands on me my body just quit listening. And I couldn’t make myself think about anyone else’s hands until I felt his on me again. He’s been going through so much and been so stressed.. And I knew that. But he had been so distant. I fought feelings of rejection.. A raw gut feeling that he no longer desired me. Or that he has too much going on to want his sub. That I can’t ease his worries even for a little while made me feel like a failure as a sub. But of course I never discussed this with him. He was too stressed as it was.

I was mentally doing backflips when Kane said he could see me tonight… He gave me everything that I had been needing all in one night.

He showed up with food and a strawberry shake.. Which doesn’t seem like a big deal.. But it’s a little detail he thought of. Strawberry flavored ANYTHING is my favorite. With how much was on his mind, that he remembered that little detail.. It meant a lot.

We snuggled, we talked.. He was holding me but not kissing me, not touching me… My insecurities were going ape shit. All those little voices scurried into my ear and whispered “he’s ending things. He doesn’t want you as a submissive. You’re too much work. You’ve failed him too much.”

At one point he had me presenting my ass to him to take a spanking, back arched. If I took the spanking well I got the fucking I craved. If I didn’t he would plow into my ass, cum, and that would be that.

I cried when he spanked me. I couldn’t keep my back arched through it all. I’ve performed better in the past.. But it had been over a month since I had been seriously spanked and my pain tolerance was shot.

“Do you deserve to be fucked?”

Did I?
Was this a trick question?
Did I fail him again?

“I don’t know”.

Over and over he asked. Over and over I answered that I didn’t know. I finally cracked.

“I don’t know if you want me anymore.”

I heard my Dominant sigh. “Lay back”.

Completely naked, still teary eyes, I laid back in his arms. The fatigued eyes of Kane were gone.. I was looking at my Sir, taking control, correcting and calming his submissive. If my panties weren’t already off I’m pretty sure they would have magically disappeared.

“How many times do I have to tell you? It’s not about the pain or how much you can take. It’s about your willingness to submit. To let me push you. To take you there. Letting me spank you until you were crying? ” He gave me a look. “I would say you were pretty deserving. I just wanted to hear that you thought you were.”

By the end of the night he took what was his in every way imaginable. I missed my Sir.. Seeing him again was.. Incredible. I was so afraid he was gone for good. Now my body is singing… Every muscle content. I was taken. I was used for his pleasure. And I could not be happier.

He took the time at the end of the night to outright squash some of my insecurities. Yes, he still wants me. Yes, he still loves me. No, him not seeing me has nothing to do with him wanting to see someone else.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now a lot sucks. But things will get better.

Eventually, I will financially be able to get back all that I lost.

Kane will be able to breathe again, in a new place with a new start.

My Dom still wants me and loves me.. And GODDE do I love and want him.

I am very happily and proudly his little monster.

Yours (FINALLY!) sexually sated

-Rena

Waiting..and Hoping…

tumblr_nfb652h9Wg1rs4xi1o1_1280

It has been twelve days since I’ve seen my Dom… Twelve very long days.

Once again, I’m back in New Jersey. It’s great to see my family, as usual..but my chest is so tight.

I don’t know where we are..what we are… I miss him so much I ache.

It’s not a simple matter of communicating through technology while he is gone, filling the void how he can. He has horrible reception where he is, and he dislikes talking on the phone. I am an incredibly tactile person. I close my eyes at night and I crave his touch, the way he traces his finger around my face as if he’s trying to memorize it. I crave his scent… I miss the security of curling up right in my spot next to him, our bodies wrapping around one another. I miss his voice, and his face… I just miss everything about him.

He’s been so busy, getting everything that needs to be done, done. I understand.. I’m trying so hard to, but I feel such a distance between the two of us… He and I had a falling out about communication before I left for home, and then again once I got here just two days ago.

The weekend before I had done something I hadn’t in so long. I went and I played with others. I went to Dark Odyssey’s Surrender event and actually connected with a dominant man for the first time since Kane and I got more serious. I partially went out of my own loneliness, and partially went because he had tasked me with getting back to that place while he was gone, the one where I could have fun with others without feeling this knot of guilt, as if I was betraying him. I played, sort of.. I couldn’t do full on, intense scenes.

It wasn’t for lack of trying. One of my best friends in the kink community was there, someone who can be very paternal with me. Before the weekend was over I asked something of him that I have never asked of anyone. I asked if he would beat me. I am not a pain slut, far from it. I have a very low pain tolerance compared to most submissives out there…but I was in so much pain. I wanted Kane there… All these intimate scenes, people connecting around me, and I just wanted my Dominant to take me and put me on the cross, flog me with the red and black flogger we both love..

He flogged me, and I felt nothing. Spanked me..paddled me… I started laughing. As odd is this sounds, that’s a bad sign for me. When I actually get into sub space I become very quiet. I sigh a bit, let out little noises, but I never laugh. I broke down about a minute later and was sobbing so hard my friend refused to continue. He flipped me around, hugged me, and ended up helping me with a different sort of aftercare. He took me over to the side, sat me down, and had me list all the reasons I am thankful Kane is my Dom. Then list all the negatives of him being gone for so long, and see if the pros outweighed the cons. They did, by a long shot..

The other day I found out just how much my outside play bothered him, and just what insecure thoughts he had floating around in his head. Since then… I don’t know. He’s been texting me from time to time, and I’ve been texting him, but nothing D/s has been discussed. Nothing deep and emotional has been discussed. It’s been light, cute.. friend like.

I’m hoping I”m just emotional..reading too much into something when I’m far away and can’t fully connect…but I can tell you straight out that I would give quite a lot to hear him tell me he loved me right now. I haven’t heard the phrase in so long..I think that’s what shakes me.

Photos are hard for me..especially of my lower body. I don’t like my stomach, don’t like my pudge. In an attempt to connect after an awkward day I made a video for him, something that I don’t do… I sent it to him. He mentioned being excited to watch it… and then he was gone for the night. I hope he watched it.. hope he liked it..but I don’t know. I don’t know if it was right to do, if he wants me submitting to him now or to wait until he sees me in person.

I don’t know anything right now, and I don’t know whether or not he has the time to reassure me and calm the frantic thoughts in my mind.

And so I wait..and I hope… I will see him sometime around December 1st, hopefully…

Until then, I stare at my phone. I send him what I can. I try to keep him involved without spamming him when he can’t respond. I try not to beg when I know he is tired and stressed and busy. I love, fully and completely, and try to tell him so at least once a day, support how I can when it’s a world I don’t know.

I pray the pit in my stomach is wrong.

Yours, waiting

-Rena