Tag Archives: relationships

A Change in Title

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I have identified as a ‘submissive’ since I entered the public scene. It’s a catch-all term, a word that was the easiest way for me to explain the pleasure that I felt kneeling in front of Sir, of having someone I care for use me how he sees most fit and gaining pleasure from it. It was the easiest term to use as the flashing neon sign next to my Fetlife tag. “Use me. Please. For your pleasure and mine. Mark me. Claim me. Want me.”

For as much as I’ve played and explored, I clung to that title above all others. I’ve identified sides of myself that are little, masochistic, a wee bit switchy at times, hedonistic, damn slutty, and bratty to name a few… and it was easiest to just throw them all underneath the submissive umbrella. All were components of my service, and service meant submission, right? Different ways, different times, but everything I did was to serve my partners and bring them as much pleasure as possible, which in turn gave me pleasure. A great deal of it.

Very rarely are the right paths the easiest ones.

I am going to start with two short stories that seem unrelated, but then combine into one. One is that my primary has told me, from the beginning of our relationship, that regardless of whether or not we work out he’s determined to see me a better person as a result of it. He pushes me, not hard enough for me to ever come close to breaking, but hard enough that I question myself in a healthy way. If I say self-demeaning comments, usually out of complete reflex, he will catch me on it and ask me why I say that. He peels back layers I have safely hidden behind, my armor that keeps people from getting too close and knowing too much, and waits. Waits until I trust him enough to give him a straight answer which then unravels my behavior… And yes, I love him for it. I love him for his patience with me, for being understanding, and for being there to stop the negative spirals when it seems I’m falling too fast or too great.

And now, story number two. Not so long ago, Sir and I met a couple. We were at Master’s Den, one of my favorite events both for high protocol it is and because he doesn’t work..and so I get to play. Before Sir and I played, we watched this particular duo. The female, small yet incredibly mighty, took quite a lot from her Master in the exact opposite way that I do. I’m… vocal. Very. I will stay mostly still but I scream. She danced, and jumped, and wiggled, but remained silent. After their scene, Sir approached them both and asked permission to play with miss Small yet Mighty… Which led to a scene, and more scenes, and talk of photoshoots and friendships…

And thus, with a couple beatings, began a bit of a learning experience for me that I’m honestly still exploring. The couple have become fantastic friends, with an incredibly energy about them both individually and together. Watching them I was surprised at some of the similarities between their dynamic and my own… The fluidity they had between strict protocol one moment and laughter and giggles the next. The sassy playfulness. The respect all around when respect was due.

She was his slave. He was her Master. Two titles I had never considered in relationship to myself.. and yet…

I was always afraid of the label of ‘slave’. I was taught, early on, that slave’s were not allowed to say no. A slave gave up their safeword. A slave was used whenever, wherever, with nothing off limits.. As much as I’ve explored, and as much as I want to please, I do have limits.

…But I’ve also never let a man push my limits as much as James has. I’ve never trusted someone so completely to know my limits, and to listen to me when I express that we’ve reached one.

The lovely slave and I have met up a couple of times on our own and talked, about our relationships, our pasts, our current friendships..and the parallels continued to tweak in my mind an identity I had been so set on.. But I didn’t know. I didn’t know for sure.

And so, I did what I knew to do. I asked James.

We were driving back from an event earlier in the night..and I love those car rides, because we talk about everything from childhood road trips to future naughty plans to what he plans on doing once the car is in park… In the dark, uninterrupted, with no one else around and with a great night behind us, I asked the question that I had been asking myself for a couple of weeks.

“Do you think I’m a submissive or a slave?”

I got a raised eyebrow and a volley of questions back and forth as he searched for the origin of my question and why it was brought up. He answered some of my questions..and dispelled the last of my fears. Slaves, just like submissives, can say no. They can always stop it..and he will always respect my limits. And so, I asked again what my Sir thought I was.

“I don’t know.” Pause, a smirk, a raised eyebrow. “What are you?”

I didn’t think about my answer. I didn’t pause. I didn’t have to. It came out on its own.

“I am yours.”

He chuckled. “Well that answers that question, now doesn’t it?”

And it did.

Hello, my name is Rene. I’m a 24 year old kinkster living in the Bay Area. I enjoy submitting to people and playing in all manner of fun ways, from impact to sensation to fire and wax. I am polyamorous, though lean more to the realm of poly-play than poly relationships… I am a lover, a girlfriend, a little, a partner, a pixie, a squeaky toy..  And I am a slave. I am owned by an incredible man. I serve him happily.

As it was in the beginning, it is even more so now.

I am his.

And I am happy.

Day 26

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26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

What do I seek… hmmm…

I seek someone who looks passed the surface level.

There is a difference between when I play and when I submit. When I play, I am performing. I am showing off. Showing how much I can take, how amazing I can be under another’s hand. When I am submitting Every second is real. I have completely given myself to that person… and wherever he wants to take me I will very willingly go.

So.. for the purpose of this question I’m going to focus on what I look for in a primary, the man I would call my Dominant, whose collar I would wear and who I would end up being most submissive to.

I look for someone who sees me.. If someone walks up to me and just wants to play fine, it will be fun. But can you see how to push me. Can you bring me out of my shell. Do you even want to? Do you want to know what makes me up, what makes me tick, what drives me to submission to start with? If you don’t want to know the mind, I’m not going to give you the body.

I look for someone who pushes..but knows when to stop. The two Dominants in my life that I have fully given myself too have pushed me. They’ve bruised me. They’ve hurt me without causing me harm. Right when I would have ‘yellowed’ they read something in my body language that told them they needed to back off..and they did. They knew how hard to push, and that I need to be pushed..but they also know there is no point in breaking their favorite toys. Then you can’t play with them again.

I look for strength.. And I don’t mean just physical. I know I have baggage, and I know there are times when I crumble. Hiding that side from my Dominant, when in all reality if he’s my Dominant he’s going to be my lover, my boyfriend, my friend as well, is almost impossible. I Nee someone strong who knows how to catch me when I fall, and who can accept that sometimes I do indeed fall. I’m human. And so is he. If he can catch me then I will be there to catch him.

I want someone who wants more. The “more” is always scary. When feels get involved suddenly everyone gets skittish and doesn’t want to talk about it. It takes me a long time to build up to wanting more…but when I’m sure, I’m sure, and I let myself fall. If someone moves emotionally at a different pace than me that is fine, and often welcome…but it’s when there’s no hope for that more, for that deeper level of emotion, that I pull the eject button.

He needs to know the power of aftercare, and that it is mandatory, not just after scenes but after life. After a fight there should be hugging, kissing, and check ins once the discussion is resolved. After a scene I want to come down in someone’s arms, knowing I am safe and secure and as long as they’re there nothing will touch me. After a horrible day I want to know that I can reach them, that they will ground me even if it’s just through text on a screen. That they’re accessible and want to talk.

This is my shallow one… He needs to be physically attracted to me.. If you don’t want me. If you want just my personality and ‘can live with the physical me’… why the fuck are you with me? I’m sorry… I will be attracted to the people I am with. I would like for them to also be attracted to me.

The last thing, and this one is extremely important to me.. They can’t be afraid of touch or affection. I am a tactile WHORE. I need you to touch me, hold me, embrace me, caress my face..and more than that I need you to want to do those things.. I was deprived of PDA for a damn long time…and dammit I want it now.

And no, none of these are negotiable. Because I’m spoiled 😛

Yours..apparently very demanding

-Rene

Day 17

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Day 17

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

There is nothing without trust.

A BDSM relationship is nonexistent without trust. Hell, a vanilla relationship should be nothing without trust…but some would argue in vanilla relationships there is less risk without the trust. You’re less likely to get physically harmed in a vanilla relationship without trust. You just risk being emotionally gutted…

In an M/s or D/s relationship you’re risking both emotional and physical harm if you don’t trust your partner. From a Dominant’s side of things, they are learning how to read you and your body. They’re learning what makes you up, and are trying to understand how best to take care of you, in various ways. They’re learning when tender touch is necessary, and when you need not so tender touches. They’re learning what sensations you enjoy, what sensations you tolerate, and what you physically find not enjoyable at all.

When you’re letting someone beat the living shit out of you, when you ask them to take you to places physically and emotionally that you’ve never gone before, they have to trust that you’re being honest with them. That you’ll call a safeword if they push you too hard. That, when they check in with you, you’re actually being honest with them when they ask how you’re doing. They need to be able to trust that their submissive/slave/bottom will communicate when something is wrong.. That they actually want and enjoy (in their own way) the activities going on. The Dominant needs to know that all that goes on is okay.. to trust that everything is done with full consent and that they are on the same page. That if you ever are not on the same page as your Dominant that you will communicate that.

On the submissive’s side of things, whether you are giving yourself into someone’s care for a scene, an evening, or for the length of the relationship you’re trusting them to listen. To know when ‘no’ means no and when it means ‘oww motherfucker…okay keep going.’ When ‘I hate you’ really means ‘I love you, you asshole.’ At minimum you’re trusting them with the care of your body for a few moments, to know when to bruise and not to bruise and how hard to hit to not break you in half and to listen when you’re being the tough subby gritting your teeth through a few very hard hits going ‘I can do it I can do it I can do it’… to know that those WERE hard hits for you and to not ramp it up fifty thousand times the next stroke.

James could break me in half, easily. The man’s upper body has so much strength that me wrapping myself around one of his arms and holding on for dear life does very little good. He can bruise with one bare-handed hit, easily.. But I know he won’t with me. He won’t hit me harder than I can take. He pushes me… There are times when he’s finished or he pauses after a few really hard hits that I’m shaking and exhausted, with part of me begging it is over and part of me begging him to continue before the endorphins wear off. But he trusts me to tell him when he pushes too far… And I trust him to take me where I need to be when I don’t have the words to express it.

Trust. Is. Everything. If you don’t have that in any relationship you don’t have a foundation. Nothing else can be built up.. It will crumble under the weight of doubt, suspicion, frustration, miscommunication, and anger. Trust comes first.. then honesty, then openness.. Have all three and you have a fabulous start to a relationship.

.. If you don’t have trust..then why the heck are you with that person?

Yours, as always.

-Rene

Day 16

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Day 16

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

Isn’t it that way with relationships in general, BDSM, kink, vanilla or otherwise? Different relationships have people interacting in different ways.

I’ll start with the second part of this question and then delve back into the first. When I was younger.. around 19 or so, I was in a very unhealthy relationship. It was an abusive rebound that continued for a year… I consider him part of my young and dumb phase. I’ve always been what I consider bicurious. I’ve always thought of women as beautiful creatures and appreciated the female form. I love pixie-like faces, sharp cheek bones and sparkling eyes. I am not immune to the charms of my own gender. It’s just only once in a blue moon that I actually actively pursue a female. I am a big, big fan of the penis. I admit this.

Back then, I was a bitch in the most unhealthy way possible. I was so angry at men for the relationships that I was in that I decided I was going to delve deeply into the lady pond and pursue that side of my sexuality without my boyfriend knowing (I was in Massachusetts and he was in New Jersey at the time, so this was not that hard). … This consisted of several one-night stands, drunkin hookups, me promising to call when I knew I wouldn’t, and all around slutty behavior. In six months I had managed to sleep with more women and burn more bridges than I had in 19 years with men.

It took me a long time to see that my attraction to women was a natural, healthy thing and not just something that grew out of my unhealthy relationship from back then. For a while I assumed I was a switch, because of how I had treated the girls I played with during that time period. I was a toppy douche, calling the shots and telling them when the relationship ended and what would be done… I thought I would end up topping all women.

… Not so. NOPE. It depends on how women approach me. Cal’s former partner, for instance, loved topping females like me. When I said I wasn’t comfortable with that she took this as a challenge and would bait me on a regular basis, saying she would love to dig her heels into my ass, etc, get me to kiss her feet… It made me challenge her right back and want to look eye level with her. I didn’t necessarily want to top her.. But I wanted to meet her in the eye and be her equal.

I wrote in here about my first experience being topped by a woman.. A good friend of mine named Ren. She is very sweet, and for a while wanted me to be her house pet..but I was never physically interested in her in that way. There are a couple that I am physically interested  in these days.. I have a small circle of friends at BaGG, women and men both, that I’ve somehow become entangled with… I want to kneel in front of one while helping her spank the other.. It is a welcoming, healthy feeling.

…That is as toppy as I get, with either gender. If someone asks me to help with a spanking I will.. but otherwise I want the spanking dammit.

As for my submission changing from partner to partner.. Absolutely. I’ve already talked about what I an absolute masochist I can be with James. I love poking the bear just enough to go home black and blue at the end of the night, knowing that we’ll both enjoy it. As sassy as I can be with James there are times when I can be completely docile if that’s what he requires of me. There is no question of who the one submitting is. There is absolutely no question of who belongs to whom. How sassy or sweet or over the top or quiet I am depends largely on my partner. He leads the scene, in every sense. He is an actor. He takes the stage, commands it. He shows me where our marks are. And I happily walk behind him, follow his lead, fall in naturally with the scene he is directing. It all feel right, and gives me a greater peace than anything I can imagine. James is the star… but I’m his leading lady and I know that. No question. No doubt. I love it. I love him.

Huh.. I think that’s the first time I’ve typed that here.. I’ve told him. He knows…but it’s the first time I’ve openly said it.. I’m in love with James. I love being his.

I have another partner that I formally met when I was at Fusion over the summer. He is a fabulous man who did a beautiful needle scene on my back. We hit it off talking before and after the scene and I ended up spending my last night at camp snuggling with him in bed. He is very different than what I am used to.. Older than I’ve played with before (double my age), but doesn’t act it most of the time. I love his energy. He’s put me at ease from the beginning, making friendship with him a very easy thing and not pushing me to to define the relationship between us in any way. He knows I am poly, but my focus is on James. He is KING of poly..has more partners than I can possibly keep track of and has nicknamed me ‘dessert’ because just when he thought his dance card was full I showed up..and there was somehow room. He’s been helping me slowly navigate both my interactions with him and also James.. answering any questions I have with the patience of a saint.

Playing with him is VERY different from playing with James. I don’t have the desire to push myself so much. They’re both sadists, but with Chris I am sassier. I can get away with more because while James reads as all DOM to me, (with the added dash of ‘this is the man I belong to and serve’ thrown in) Chris is very much a switch. When we play I call him sir, and of course I do respect him… but my most docile side seems reserved for James… The man that owns me also owns the part of me that absolutely submits, without question.. Chris does not own me in any way. I like pushing my limits more with him.. seeing if I can squirm away from him when he has me pinned, seeing what wiggling my ass in his direction will get him to do.. and after we will sit, and talk, and exchange kinky stories of the play we have done since we last saw one another. And I enjoy it. I am grateful for Chris’s company for as long as I am graced with it. He’s taught me quite a bit so far.. and reminds me often when I am in a rough patch that he was at one point as well, and that this too shall pass.

I am lucky, very lucky, to have the people in my life that I do. I don’t know how I got so lucky..but I am a very blessed submissive.

yours..and his,

-Rena

Day 15

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Day 15

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

Oh goodness yes. Of course my submission has evolved over time.

I’m a big believer in the fact that everyone’s sexuality evolves over time. You grow. You learn more about yourself, about what you actually want in a partner.. or about actually wanting ‘partners’ instead.

For me, I have natural submissive tendencies that just.. come out. I am exceedingly comfortable sitting on the floor at someone’s feet, or even kneeling there for a great length of time. I like cleaning up after partners, making their lives easier by disposing of sodas and plates and glasses in cafes and stuff like that. I like when a partner chooses my clothing, because I like to be as pleasing to my partner as possible (though in all reality for this to be practical I wouldn’t want this unless I was living with a partner.. which I’m currently not). This is without any of the hitty and slappy stuff.

When I first dove into this lifestyle I dove in full force. I had fought being subby for so long.. because females have been fighting so long for equal rights, why on earth would a female want to submit under the hand of a male? It took me over 20 years to wrap my mind around that being okay when both the religion I practiced and the people that raised me preached women standing up to men, being equals, never submitting. Once I embraced the submissive part of myself it was as if the floodgates opened.. I couldn’t control it. I craved ritual, craved the hand of another.. and I got it.

I got the 24/7 relationship I desired… and discovered, over time, that it was exhausting and trying. That in order to keep up the BDSM side of our lifestyle other parts were suffering and communication was breaking down. Eventually, obviously, we broke apart. The pressures of what we were expected to maintain became too great.

I developed from being a 24/7 submissive to being a submissive with a switch. Flip it and I was on my knees in a heartbeat. Ignore it and I stayed in girlfriend mode completely. With my current partner… There is a balance forming in our relationship.. There are times when I am just the girlfriend and not the submissive. I am always his.. because I want to be. Because I expressed that desire, not because he imposed it on me.

The pain thing.. That is also knew. I heard a term the other week that summarized what I am very well. Pain for pleasure. Meaning I take the pain for the pleasure of another. I enjoy being beaten because I see him enjoying it. I look forward to it because I know the pleasure that it will cause my Sir, and that gives me quite a lot of joy. I love showing him how much I can take. How I can lay there and scream and cry but not yellow or red, because I want his hands on me. I want the nails. I want the smacks. I want it all so much…

Oh yes,  my submission has changed over time..and I am thoroughly enjoying how it has transformed, and I’m sure will continue to transform over time…

Yours, a work in progress

-Rena

Day 11

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Day 11

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

I consider myself to be a service oriented submissive… Now, what that means to me when I say that can mean something different to another.

To me, that means that when my Sir says “jump”, I already know how high he wants me to be jumping and instead I am asking him how long. If it’s a partner I truly care about, I try to anticipate his needs. I know what he likes from Wicked Grounds on Wednesday nights when we grab a bite before BaGG…but know not to order it unless he asks me to. I know how a play partner takes his coffee at this point and will fix it for him before I bring it to him in the cafe.

I anticipate and learn how best to serve the person I’m with… which for me can mean learning how to make his favorite meal to learning proper deep tissue massage to help with backaches..

I enjoy this. I get pleasure from giving pleasure, even in the simplest of ways. If that means they want me to clean up their place or cook them dinner then I will, but only if that’s what they want.

Cal’s partner and I both share a certain… erm.. opinion of his ex partner. Her and I ended up in a conversation about service submission the other night, and she expressed the irritation in how the ex would come and clean the house, do the laundry, and how her partner didn’t actually like that.. Those domestic duties are what a lot of people associate with service. Okay, yes, that can be part of it..but that’s not the first thing I think of when I identify myself.

Honestly, when I think about service in regards to myself I think about my relationship with pain.. My masochistic side developed because the person I belong to is a sadist. He enjoys digging his nails into my flesh, making me squeak and yip and whimper in the club and cafe and..wherever else he decides to hit me. The first couple times we played in any way I remember thinking “I don’t know if I can do this… I don’t like pain. I can’t take this. This HURTS.”

And then I saw the twinkle in his eyes.. I saw the sadistic smile that lets me know just how much trouble I’m in… The impishness. And I wanted more, not because I craved the sensation but because I craved that reaction from him.

I crave the look of pride he gives me when he’s beaten me to my limit and he has to all but peel me off of the cross because standing is hard… When he pulls me into his arms while I’m still trembling and gives me the feather light kiss on top of my head, and then the gentlest kiss on my lips.. Little, silent thank yous that let me know that I did good, that I made him proud. I love the look of delight on his face when he’s taking photos of me being beaten by another, the voyeur in him enjoying every second of it.

I get pleasure from giving pleasure, and that manifests in multiple ways… That is the best way I can define service for myself.

Yours, a content service subby

-Rena

Day 9

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Day 9

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

I feel like structure and limits need to be part of any relationship, D/s related or not. Everyone has their boundary lines, their ‘do not cross’ behaviors that they’re just… not comfortable with. Some are completely vanilla. Some are kinky. Some are sexual.

I compartmentalize a lot, especially when it comes to relationships. I like knowing the boundary lines of those compartments to see the potential for some to grow, to know which ones won’t grow, and to make sure that the relationships don’t bleed into one another and get muddy… This is a good thing and a bad thing, I suppose. In certain ways it’s incredibly self-limiting.. I set myself up to know exactly how far a relationship can go before I abandon ship. And in other ways it’s a good thing because I will look at relationships realistically. … And then I have partners like James that continually wipe away the boundary lines, push what we can be, surprise me.. and tell me that I have as much input as him. That he does not make all the rules just because he is the Dominant and that a relationship is a partnership…

But I’ve digressed, haven’t I? This is supposed to be about D/s relationships.

Structure in rules in D/s relationships specifically.. I believe they’re good things. They reinforce the dynamic and keep me in a submissive head space. I like to push my limits with certain partners.. Be playful… But you learn from a tone or a look when you’ve pushed enough.

There is less of a structured rule set with James right now and more just understood things… I text him when I’m home safe from work. We wish each other goodnight when we’re going to sleep and we’re apart. I know not to push when he tells me to lean back or drop my arms because he wants access to a part of me.. I know when to extend my neck for him to put the collar on me, and know not to touch the collar to take it off or loosen it. I ask him if I needed loosed. But there are no set rituals in place yet, other then I know when to call him James and when he is Sir. When he is my boyfriend and when the Dominant takes priority.

I don’t think I would do well with rules all the time.. with a true 24/7 set up that involves no silly downtime. I need the time to be the girlfriend and the partner as well as the submissive. When there is a collar around my neck (and I don’t mean a day collar.. I mean a big leather dungeon collar) there are certain things I feel like I can’t say..certain ways of talking that get toned down a bit until the collar comes off… When that collar is on he is “Sir” not “James”.  And I love it. I love being subby.. Don’t think I don’t… But the main rule, the number one rule, that James and I have (and that I recommend all D/s couples couples have) is emotional honesty. Even if it makes him unhappy or would upset him, if I’m feeling something I am supposed to talk to him about that.. and as much as it is a rule, it’s a rule I can only really follow without the collar on.

Balance. Balance is a good thing. I’m sure all D/s couples have their own equilibrium for how deep the dynamic goes in their relationship. This is just mine

Nine down, twenty-one to go

yours,

-Rena

P.s. I am very sorry for being a couple days behind in these.. The weekend has been hectic and filled with internet problems. Day 10 and 11 will also be posted today to make up for it.

Safe

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Today on the way to the way to the dungeon I got stopped on the street. I’m used to it, in certain ways. The Tenderloin is a rough neighborhood. Cat calls abound, there are some sketch characters on the street, and I’m not exactly the most intimidating creature in the world. It’s getting to be that time of the year where it’s no longer daylight when I get to the dungeon to play.. It’s getting dark again. And I, being foolish, walk through the Tenderloin alone.

The person who stopped me wasn’t part of the usual suspects.. It was a tourist, a woman who was obviously uncomfortable with the neighborhood she was in and took a wrong turn somewhere around Union Square, by the fancy hotels. I gave her directions to where she needed to go. She was polite, thanked me..and then paused, giving me a once over.

“Aren’t you scared of walking this neighborhood at night?”

I laughed. I’ve worked in some rough areas of cities in the past, especially back when I was in college. Internships were part of our requirement to graduate, and more often than not the internships that needed psych majors the most were internships in the not so pretty parts of the state… I got mugged twice while working at my second year internship and took several self-defense classes as a result so that it would never happen again. I’m tougher than I look… But that’s not why I laughed. It was the reason I gave, but it’s not why I laughed at all.

The woman was satisfied with that explanation and went on her way. The honest answer to why I laughed?

Because anyone stupid enough to harm me will suffer a much worse fate than anything they dish out.

I am a bit of a Tumblr addict these days. I was on the other day and saw that someone I follow, a Dom called lovemysub, got accused of not being a real Dom by an anonymous asker because he cared for his sub too much. Because he was too affectionate. Because he loved her. This is part of his response..and I think it’s brilliant.

“A dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect.

A dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance.

A dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to.

A dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him.

A dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important.

A dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect.

A dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf.

A dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.

A dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that.

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day.

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be. ”

Why am I confident walking to the dungeon at night?

Tonight, I was at a party. An amazing party where James wasn’t working for once. I got some much needed play time with my Sir, and some even more needed cuddles with him after. The night ended too quickly… and when I knew it was ending I groaned. I was wrapped up in his arms, decompressing from the scene and enjoying aftercare, my head on his chest. I didn’t want to move, and voiced my dissatisfaction about the idea.

“Until they say that everyone has to leave you’re staying right here.” Sir squeezed me just a little bit tighter then… and I felt completely untouchable in his embrace. Safe from the world. Cherished, in my own little kinky cocoon.

My Sir is a Dom. He expects me to have common sense, and to protect myself when I possibly can. But that does not mean he is not protective of me. He puts his hand on my knee when I feel uncomfortable in a crowd and it calms me down.. He sleeps closest to my apartment door. He will take the lead when I beg him too, and only when he’s sure it’s what he wants. And if, despite common sense and self-defense skills, someone manages to hurt me he and several others will break them in half. It’s not something I’ve ever asked him about.. It’s not something I’ve ever had to. It’s something I know from the way he talks to me, touches me, treats me around others. The safest place for any lucky submissive is with their Sir.

Okay… mushy post over.. I thought one was overdue.

Yours hoping you enjoyed it ;P

-Rena

Day 8

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Day 8

Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

…This may end up being a very short post.

Yes. Yes. YES it is part of my submission. Big screamy capital letters YESSSSSSS.

It used to scare me.. being hit. Spanked. Flogged. It used to scare the living shit out of me.

Now?

…mmmmmmmmmmmmm

With Kane, spanking and beating used to be the work for the reward.. The tender touches, the good girl, the fantastic sex to follow. I wanted to earn the ‘good girl’, the ultimate reward for the submissive…

James… He’s a whole other ball of wax. Ever since he and I started playing around months ago, before any feels or dating or… relationshippy stuff… he’s turned my perceptions of pain and pleasure on their heads. It’s just.. part of the dynamic between he and I… I take pleasure from being on my knees in from of James, chest out, knowing a hand is going to come down and redden it. Knowing it’s going to hurt, and it’s going to make him smile. I HATE when he hits my thighs, but smile after the pain fades and they are red and warm.

But spanking with James?

How do I put this…. and this is not in a bragging sense.. This is just him.

The man is to bare handed spanking as Midori is to rope.

His upper body is BUILT. Pretty sure his biceps are bigger than my head… and he wants to get in even better shape. The man can bruise with a single strike.. He could easily finish me for an evening easily.. and instead he pushes me.. His spankings are a rare treat for me. It’s never just a strike. It’s always a build up. He will reach out first, let me know it’s coming, and gently put a hand on my ass, caress it.. sometimes squeeze. And then his hand comes down. I scream. I buck. I gasp. I wonder if I can possibly take another, because damn if that man isn’t always symmetrical. It hurts..and I want more.

There are times when his spankings are gentle. Well, at least for him. Sometimes he will spank me while I’m in between his legs sucking him, light taps compared to his normal strikes. Just enough to attempt to distract me and make me moan, through pants or skirts.

Other types of play… Floggings, paddles, mean wooden spoons that I am still not on speaking terms with… Yes, I like all of that as well. Intense scenes don’t happen as often between James and I.. It’s usually quick moments of play. We’ve only had one full official play scene at a party, on the cross, where he beat me to my almost-breaking point… and then stops right before I would have yellowed.. The man can read my body extremely well. He’s learned how I react to different types of pain even before I process how I handle them.. Yes, I love the intense scenes as well. I look forward to more.

So yes, spanking and corporal punishment are part of my D/s relationship. Why?

Because we enjoy it, both Sir and I. Because we both, in certain ways, need it. And love it. And crave it.

Because it’s part of who I am. And I relish it.

Maybe if I’m a good girl, I’ll get spanked tonight.

I’ve made it more than a week. YES!

Yours in antici…..pation,

-Rena

Day 7

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Day 7

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

I was never one of those submissives that dreaded submission. I was one of those trouble makers that tried to get rewarded for bad behavior. I still am.

My relationship with pain and punishment is a unique one.. My pain tolerance varies depending on who I’m with and what the setting is. Sometimes I am a real masochist, craving the pain. Sometimes I dread it.

A couple months ago, I went over my friend Chris’s house. We had met up several times in the past, and I admit that I was tardy almost every time to see him. I was a sassy creature that often forgot to call him sir even though we played, and when we played he topped me.. And so, one even when I came over his house he punished me. He had me crawl on to the bed and told me why he was punishing me, said he only punished those he cared about, and proceeded to hit me with his belt. I HATED it. The belt stung. It made me cry. I counted the strokes and was grateful when it was over.. Penance paid, life returned to normal and all was well.

The beauty of punishment is that once it’s done, the issue is dune. All is forgiven, the slate is wiped clean.

My interaction with James… blurs the line between play and punishment. He has yet to really punish me.. and I try very hard not to earn his punishment or his disappointment. However, he is a sadist, and under his hand I am a masochist.. I will do things like mew quietly, kiss his arm, nuzzle him… Nothing warranting real punishment.

He then turns to me and raises an eyebrow, a half smirk on his face.

“Really now?” Usually I will mew quietly, my body slightly shrinking in expectation of the pain that will follow. “You’re sure about that?” Again, I usually mew. I’m never sure. I never can be sure. This is a trick question.

“Well okay then.”

And then the pain starts. A smack on my thigh. Nails digging into my chest or back. Bites. Lots and lots and lots of nibbles. But never enough nibbles. I love nibbles…Mmmmm…

I have a love/hate relationship with pain under Jame’s hand. It hurts, I scream… But I crave it. It’s our dance, the steps familiar and comforting now. Not punishment, per say, but punishment-like behavior and discipline that keeps me happily under his hand.

I accept punishment when I have earned it.. I would rather stand in the corner, go into the ‘apology’ position, get spanked until I bleed, or even wear a fucking ball gag than carry the burden of my Sir’s disappointment, or the disappointment of another friend or partner. Physical pain is much easier for me than emotional… And the truth is that fuck ups happen. As much as submissives try to be perfect for our Dominants, we are human. Humans are flawed. We make mistakes, and we mentally beat the shit out of ourselves because of the mistakes. Because we failed. Because we let the person who we belong to down. We disappointed the person we try more than anything to please. For me, personally, punishment and discipline after the emotional beating I just gave myself is a very sweet release and relief. It makes it all better… Fresh, clean, blank slate. I am a good girl again, willing and eager to serve my Sir.

A whole week down! HA! Twenty three days to go.

Still here, still writing, still yours,

Rena