Tag Archives: sexual frustration

Two Worlds


I have hit the sex wall.

I didn’t know that I HAD a sex wall

But good Godde almighty I’ve hit it.

I am horny every fucking second of the day right now… I am so tightly coiled, so tense, that I think my Dominant could just look at me and I would come on the spot. And it would do NOTHING because it’s not his hands on me. Kane sent me a photo today after he got to his destination..and he was so sexy, and scruffy, and my badass biker boyfriend…

And I orgasmed. From a photo. And there was clothing. Nothing was unclothed.

…although he was REALLY fucking sexy.

….I have slammed into the proverbial sex wall.


I love my parents, and my sisters, and my friends and my pets here…but I need to rejoin my life. It’s been too long. This is the LONGEST I have been out of San Francisco in a year. And the longer I stay, the more I see the separation between Rena of New Jersey and Rena of San Francisco.

Rena of New Jersey is a good girl. She does not say “fuck” in front of her dad (but in front of mom it’s okay because she curses like a sailor too) because cursing isn’t ladylike. Nothing she owns is see through or sexy, and it’s all about minimizing her size, because she is fat. She eats way too much and is not nearly active enough. She loves her pets, and leaves her bedroom door open at night so her dog can sleep at the foot of her bed even though there is a strict no pets in bedrooms rule. She has a super conservative older sister that is still a virgin and will not even acknowledge anal sex as being a thing. She has one sad little vibrator that she hides in her TV stand when she isn’t home, and will not use it when her parents are home. She sleeps in a tee shirt and undies minimum, and feels dirty looking at porn.

Rena of San Francisco is kinky as all hell. She wears see through clothing and has little issue showing off her body when the parts of her that are clothed are clothed well. She is sex-positive and open, with a chest of toys and outfit devoted to BDSM play and her sexual survival. Her bookshelves are full of kinky novels, and more than two days without sexual play results in a very horny submissive. Thankfully, she has a very horny Dominant whose sexual appetite matches hers. She takes care of her cat, and has extreme guilt about leaving him for more than a couple hours (no matter 18 days…18!). She works her ass off to make it on her own and keeps herself super busy, earning her play from a lot of work. She has no shame in saying that she goes to dungeons, and that she plays on crosses and loves the kiss of the flogger. She has no shame in saying that she is poly, that she has a primary and a secondary partner, and that poly keeps her sane and balanced. She has no shame about serving her Dominant, feeling feminine and empowered when in service to him, and more herself than any other time.

San Francisco Rena has very little shame, period. She is at peace with herself and who she is becoming. New Jersey Rena is a project on hold, something left behind because she just couldn’t develop anymore.

I am so much more my San Francisco self than I ever was my Jersey self.. and while I love all of my pets equally, the amount I love myself varies radically depending on what city I am in and what stigmas are being levied against me at that moment.

The longer the parts of me are repressed, the hornier and more sexually frustrated, and then ashamed, I become. It’s not a healthy cycle..and as much as I love being with my family I am learning a hard lesson with this visit.

I can’t be here this long without a partner… without play to remind me that it’s okay to be my San Francisco self. Kink is too much a part of my life. My submissive side is just too much a part of me.

I have to fight the urge to beg Kane for play when I know he’s busy and riding. But the riding on the big fancy motorcycle just adds to sexual fantasies which just makes me horny which just makes me more worked up and…

You’re seeing the vicious cycle right?????

I don’t want to wish the rest of this trip away. I don’t want to wish the last of Kane’s trip away… But at this point no amount of orgasms is releasing the tightness in my body. I can only fantasize so much.. I need at least a voice… a face on a screen watching as I perform… something..

Okay… this time next week I will be back in San Francisco with my cat… where I can at least regain certain parts of myself that I have to hide when I’m here.

I can make it. I can make it…

If you can hear screaming, that would be me.


I want my Dom so bad T.T *sniffle*

Yours feeling pathetic,