Tag Archives: trust

Day 17

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Day 17

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

There is nothing without trust.

A BDSM relationship is nonexistent without trust. Hell, a vanilla relationship should be nothing without trust…but some would argue in vanilla relationships there is less risk without the trust. You’re less likely to get physically harmed in a vanilla relationship without trust. You just risk being emotionally gutted…

In an M/s or D/s relationship you’re risking both emotional and physical harm if you don’t trust your partner. From a Dominant’s side of things, they are learning how to read you and your body. They’re learning what makes you up, and are trying to understand how best to take care of you, in various ways. They’re learning when tender touch is necessary, and when you need not so tender touches. They’re learning what sensations you enjoy, what sensations you tolerate, and what you physically find not enjoyable at all.

When you’re letting someone beat the living shit out of you, when you ask them to take you to places physically and emotionally that you’ve never gone before, they have to trust that you’re being honest with them. That you’ll call a safeword if they push you too hard. That, when they check in with you, you’re actually being honest with them when they ask how you’re doing. They need to be able to trust that their submissive/slave/bottom will communicate when something is wrong.. That they actually want and enjoy (in their own way) the activities going on. The Dominant needs to know that all that goes on is okay.. to trust that everything is done with full consent and that they are on the same page. That if you ever are not on the same page as your Dominant that you will communicate that.

On the submissive’s side of things, whether you are giving yourself into someone’s care for a scene, an evening, or for the length of the relationship you’re trusting them to listen. To know when ‘no’ means no and when it means ‘oww motherfucker…okay keep going.’ When ‘I hate you’ really means ‘I love you, you asshole.’ At minimum you’re trusting them with the care of your body for a few moments, to know when to bruise and not to bruise and how hard to hit to not break you in half and to listen when you’re being the tough subby gritting your teeth through a few very hard hits going ‘I can do it I can do it I can do it’… to know that those WERE hard hits for you and to not ramp it up fifty thousand times the next stroke.

James could break me in half, easily. The man’s upper body has so much strength that me wrapping myself around one of his arms and holding on for dear life does very little good. He can bruise with one bare-handed hit, easily.. But I know he won’t with me. He won’t hit me harder than I can take. He pushes me… There are times when he’s finished or he pauses after a few really hard hits that I’m shaking and exhausted, with part of me begging it is over and part of me begging him to continue before the endorphins wear off. But he trusts me to tell him when he pushes too far… And I trust him to take me where I need to be when I don’t have the words to express it.

Trust. Is. Everything. If you don’t have that in any relationship you don’t have a foundation. Nothing else can be built up.. It will crumble under the weight of doubt, suspicion, frustration, miscommunication, and anger. Trust comes first.. then honesty, then openness.. Have all three and you have a fabulous start to a relationship.

.. If you don’t have trust..then why the heck are you with that person?

Yours, as always.

-Rene

A Tidbit From Tumblr

I fully admit that I have become a bit of a Tumblr junky. I go on to look at all things BDSM and kinky, and from time to time a gem will appear on my feed.

Tonight was one of those nights. I was keeping myself occupied by cleaning, organizing, and all around being an internet junky while Sir is away..and I found this.

Note: I am not the author of this and claim no ownership of it. This came from Tumblr, and was shared by someone I follow called the-quiet-dominant. I thought it was worth sharing through something other than Tumblr, which is why I’m reposting it here. I will write a blog of my own in the next couple of days..which should be an adventure. Until then, enjoy.

Yours Enlightened,

Rena

Ways to Ruin Your Subs

Note …… yes the following uses He for Dom and she for sub …. but can we please pretend its gender fluid for arguments sake

A submissive does not come with an instruction manual and there is no such thing as a perfect Dominant.

You can read every lifestyle book you can get your hands on, talk to other experienced Dominants and subs, and attend lifestyle workshops; yet you can still be left with a nagging feeling that you don’t always get it exactly right.

Perhaps you know lots of the DO’s when it comes to the training and care of a submissive, but have you ever wished you had a list of the DON’Ts?

Even if you think you’re doing your best, sometimes it might not be enough, take a look at this list of six (6) sure-fire ways to spoil your submissive.

NOTE: This is my personal view.

Six (6) Dominant mistakes that will spoil your submissive and can ruin your relationship:

1. Surrender:

No matter what your submissive wants, she gets it. Whether it is that shiny new sex toy she found online, letting her off the hook for that chore she just really hates, making it a habit to give her all the things she wants done to her, or giving her everything she asks for is the breeding ground for a spoiled, indulged, and coddled brat who will soon learn that she can always get her way by manipulating you with her emotions.

Especially, in D/s relationships, it is not uncommon for a Dominant to fall in love with his submissive, and there is not anything wrong with that. Personally I wouldn’t wish to own a girl who didn’t give me reasons to fall in love with her, but the danger you have to guard against is subordinating the power exchange dynamic by treating your relationship more as a romantic arrangement between equals.

Doing so, creates a lukewarm, superficial D/s relationship that in the end will likely satisfy either of you. There is nothing wrong with granting her requests occasionally, rewarding her for good service, and doing those little things she enjoys that make her feel happy from time to time. However, a submissive also needs regular reminders of who and what her position and role in the relationship is.

What to do instead:

When you agree to let her have that new sex toy she is coveting or to indulge her desire for that special activity in the bedroom she really likes, link it to something she has done recently to please you. In other words, make it a reward for good service and let her feel she has earned it.

Doing that will prevent her from developing a sense of entitlement and will instead cultivate in her a firm understanding that she doesn’t own you, you own her.

This will help her grow in her submission.

2. Do not discipline:

If your submissive acts out, breaks the rules, fails to complete a chore or assignment according to your expectations, or says or does something disrespectful, you cannot overlook it and do nothing. Lack of discipline in a D/s relationship often stems again from seeing your partner more as your wife or girlfriend than as your submissive.

It is quite natural to find it hard and even to loathe having to discipline someone you love, so many dominants are disinclined to administer corrective discipline even when it is clearly warranted. They rationalize it by convincing themselves that discipline either is a negative thing that doesn’t really work or else that their submissive doesn’t need it.

This fosters in a submissive the belief that there are never any consequences for bad behavior.

That kind of situation can lead to serious problems in your relationship. Just as children thrive with boundaries and rules of behavior, so does a submissive. The need to have firmly established boundaries is something most submissive women need to feel safe, secure, and protected.

Many times they will intentionally act out not because they just feel like misbehaving but to test the boundaries to make certain they are still firmly in place.

In the absence of consequences for bad behavior, the line between good and bad can become blurred or seem non-existent and a submissive can start to feel insecure and unprotected.

What to do instead:

Set clear and consistent rules and consequences for your submissive. Make certain that she clearly understands your expectations as to what she is to do and how she is to behave. If she acts out you need to “Dom” up and mete out appropriate corrective discipline.

It does not always have to be corporal punishment. That can be effective and timely, but some submissive women enjoy things like OTK spanking, and so in such cases, using that for discipline would not be very effective.

Taking away a privilege she enjoys can be in such cases much more effective.

Do remember to talk with her and to make certain she understands why she is being disciplined and do not go overboard.

Make certain the punishment fits the crime.

3. Always make excuses for them:

When a submissive makes a mistake or breaks a rule perhaps not intentionally but out of negligence, it is always a temptation for a Dominant to feel partly responsible. I think is quite normal for anyone in a leadership position of any kind to feel that he has failed too whenever a subordinate fails. Perhaps I did not communicate the rule or expectation clearly enough, or I did not do an adequate job of training her. We want to believe in our submissive and feel like she always gives one hundred-percent effort and does her best.

This can lead us to rationalize, to make excuses for her, perhaps to even blame ourselves and take upon ourselves the responsibility for her mistake or error.

While we all want to have confidence in our submissive girls, turning a blind eye to their transgressions or living in denial is not the answer.

You must make your submissive understand she is not above the rules and that even unintentional mistakes when due to negligence have repercussions.

What to do instead:

If your submissive makes a mistake due to carelessness, negligence, or purposely disregards a rule or to meet an expectation, take the appropriate corrective action, impose discipline if it is warranted. Do explain what she did wrong and make certain she understands why she is being disciplined so she does not end up feeling you are being unfair or unreasonable.

If however, she makes an honest mistake, a situation where she was neither clearly carelessness or negligent, then perhaps instead of discipline just sitting her down and talking it out may adequately take care of the situation. The goal is always to keep her from repeating the same mistakes over and over regardless of what the causative factors were.

Often, just knowing she has disappointed you might reduce her to tears and it can seem that she has punished herself enough for a misdeed, but as mentioned earlier in the discussion about corrective discipline; do not hesitate to use it when a situation clearly calls for it.

4. Do not push her limits:

If I had to pick out the most critical responsibility that every Dominant has toward a submissive, it would be to ensure that he creates an environment where she can grow in her submission. Growth in the lifestyle is best affected by helping her to push her limits and expand her boundaries. Especially with novice submissive women, quite often they come into the lifestyle with a veritable laundry list of limits both soft and hard, things she is either reluctant or simply unwilling to try.

Many of those limits are due to lack of understanding, lack of confidence, lack of experience, or feeling intimidated by the very thought of trying some activities. Since D/s is always consensual, limits must always be respected. A submissive should never be coerced or forced to participate in an activity that she has disclosed as a limit, but especially when it comes to soft limits, they do need to be pushed.

When a submissive says some activity is a soft limit, she is not saying she absolutely will not ever do the activity under any circumstances.

She is saying not yet or that she needs for you to discuss it with her before she is asked to do it.

Thus, soft limits are especially fertile ground for expanding her boundaries and helping her to grow. If her Dominant never encourages her to push her limits, she will not grow, at least efficiently and perhaps it may prevent her from every realizing her real potential. She can become too comfortable with the “status quo” and even become resistant to attempting what is necessary to grow.

What to do instead:

It is important and proper to want you submissive to tell you what interests her and so you need to ask her that very early on but never be satisfied with her just giving you a lengthy list of all the things she wants done to her.

If she is reluctant to even discuss trying things that she finds a little intimidating or scary that you need from a relationship, then perhaps this lifestyle is not really for her. She needs to have a desire to grow and a willingness to do what is needed to experience it, but perhaps even more importantly, you need to have the will to encourage her to try new things so she can grow.

5. Setting a bad example:

Some days a submissive may not feel all that submissive, and likewise, some days a Dominant does not feel like exercising dominance. That is just human nature but as the leader, the guiding force in the relationship, a Dominant just cannot ignore his responsibility to provide guidance, supervision, and training just because it has been a hectic week at the office or he has a lot of other things on his plate and feels tired.

Just as you have expectations of your submissive like following rules and meeting needs you have, she has needs to be met and expectations of you as well.

You should always strive to lead by example.

Not living up to your responsibilities to her and the relationship sets a bad example.

If you do not fulfill your responsibilities on a consistent basis, if you do not keep your word, if you make excuses, if you talk the dominant talk but do not walk the walk, your actions will speak louder than words.

You are wrong if you think your submissive is not paying attention. If she senses you do not take your responsibilities seriously, she is likely to mimic your behavior if exposed to it frequently.

What to do instead:

Resolve to be a model example in front of your submissive.

Do not let competing interests prevent you from addressing the needs of your submissive and from giving the relationship the consistent attention it deserves.

6. Not Being Engaged:

Choosing to make a habit of working late when you don’t have to over getting home regularly in time for dinner, being irritable or short with her when she has done nothing wrong, or just plain ignoring your submissive are all examples of not being fully engaged.

A submissive woman needs to feel valued.

She needs reassurance that she is pleasing and useful.

She needs a consistent conduit through which she can express her submissive nature by obediently serving and pleasing her Dominant.

Her gift of submission earns her the right to feel you consider her worthy of your attention, respect, and affection.

A submissive cannot feel centered, safe, and protected if neglected.

She is likely to become dissatisfied, unhappy, and even depressed.

What to do instead:

Even if you have got a packed work schedule or other matters that require your attention, do not neglect your submissive or the relationship. Aim to schedule regular blocks of time dedicated to her.

Watch a movie together and allow her to revel in occupying her humble place at your feet. Allow her to pleasure you sexually. She needs your engagement.

She needs you to teach her what she must do, how she must behave, and most importantly, she needs you to remind her who and what she really is, your valued possession.
Author: Unknown

Recluse

Oh boy. Oh boy… ohhh boy.

This will be a long post. I apologize for this.

I got back to San Francisco about two weeks ago from a FANTASTIC trip home. The only thing missing was Kane.

It was an odd feeling for me, missing someone as much as I did when I was only away for a week and a half. It just..felt like he should be there for everything. Like he belong there, and would have enjoyed it. I wanted to share my old haunts with him; my childhood hideaways and my loves. I sent videos and photos of my childhood home to him, showing more to him than I have to anyone in a long time, sharing pieces of myself that I have held tight and guarded for way too long.

Regardless, I had to returned. I returned to a week without him and two weeks of hell at work.

I very rarely discuss my work on this blog because it involves childcare..and childcare and BDSM rarely mix well. I had been hired as one thing, and gradually throughout the months I had watched my position slowly crumble to a mere shadow of itself and began dreading going to work. My duties were never the same day to day. They began to change radically, drifting into a realm that were not at all involved in my job description.

Poor Kane. The man had the patience of a saint with me this week. He got double whammied with a girlfriend/submissive that had her period AND severe work problems. The anxiety was so bad that I found myself unable to get into the submissive mindset at all.

I have not gone to a play party in a month and a half. A month was because of other commitments. Two weeks have been by my choice. Last night I could have gone with Kane if I had truly wanted to. He would have happily taken me to the Citadel and put me on one of the crosses that I love. He would have used the purple suede flogger on me first, to warm up, and perhaps teased me with the rabbit fur flogger so much that I fantasize about curling up in bed and snuggling it like a stuffed animal… Then the thud and sting of the red leather flogger would have started, with an added weight that the other two pieces lack… In an idea world he would have hit me in a steady rhythm that I count in my mind like a dance count, getting lost in the strikes until I’m pushed so high I’m flying… Mmmm…

A shiver of pleasure just went up my spine. I miss that. I crave that. But for the past couple weeks it’s almost like my submissive side has been hibernating…and it is a large part of who I am as a person. A large part that has been missing. I was shocked when I came back from my trip and Kane bent me over for a spanking for the first time..because it HURT. I cried. My pain tolerance was gone, pathetic to a point that made my heart sink. I had built it up quite a bit before I left, and I wasn’t gone long.. around ten days. Kane and I had been playing in private and public on a regular basis, almost nightly, and I was shocked when the thing that had given me so much pleasure caused me actual pain. Not the buzzed pain.. the bad pain. THE FUCK???

What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I get there? I thought part of it was Kane and I playing at my place. My little in law apartment is always in a state of chaos. I’m there maybe one week out of the month on average, mostly just spending the weekend. The rest of the time I’m at Kane’s with him…and so I’ve never actually fully unpacked. It’s not a home, it’s a resting place in chaos. When I’m with him there it feels like home. I thought that playing at my place, a place that I normally don’t associate with BDSM, coupled with he and I not spending the night together was making it harder for me to slip back into the submissive mindset. I was definitely his horny little girlfriend, and the sex was fantastic… but I just couldn’t get there.

This surprising week of short play was the prelude to the week from hell of work.. combine the two and it was a recipe for disaster. The FLOGGER hurt me when Kane put it to my skin. I found my mind wandering and had to constantly bring myself back. I didn’t want to strip. Didn’t want to see myself naked. I spent way too much time crying, which is something I absolutely hate doing.

Kane is an incredible boyfriend, I will say that frankly. His ability to comfort me, to make me feel safe and have me believe that everything will actually work out. I have my spot as a girlfriend, curled up on the couch with him. I lean into his side and put my head on the nook in his shoulder and he drapes his arm around me. There is my safety spot, where nothing can touch me. And there is where I’ve been hiding.

I’ve dealt with depression all of my life. Major depressive disorder runs in my family. My dad has it, my grandmother has it, etc. It’s not constant with me, it spikes when I get anxious or when the road gets rocky. Combine that with hormones of the month and…yeah. I was bad. Even in the environment of Kane’s apartment with him I just couldn’t get there. I didn’t want to go on fetlife, didn’t want to see my kinky friends, and just wanted Kane. I wanted my rock, my safety, my assurance that even though my job was miserable and the progress of our relationship meant things would get worse before they got better that everything really would be okay.

He causes old feelings to surface that I had forgotten existed.. It’s been a long time since I talked about marriage and kids with anyone. I don’t do that. Don’t trust people enough to lift up my walls and reveal the girly squishy bits of myself. Kane continually breaks down my walls. We’re in too deep at this point, and are set on a future with one another. With kids… though marriage seems to be arguable.

Last night was the culmination of KABOOM that has become my life. My work had become unbearable. My hours got changed and cut yet again, and my duties had become out right illegal. I quit, knowing that if nothing else I own a car (that was in the shop with a check engine light on. It turned out to all be fine but it was definitely an added stresser) and was halfway to starting up Lyft, which I could live off of easily if I worked the hours that Kane was at work. I love driving, and I love talking to people so the job would be easy for me. And I was sick of crying.

This turned Kane into a stress ball…which I hate seeing. He thinks of every possible outcome, and the more he thinks the more he shuts down and just doesn’t communicate. He doesn’t want to stress me out with his worries which just stresses me out and I worry more…it’s a cycle of stress that ends in both of us breaking, and that’s exactly what happened. I broke first, sobbing at something silly. He shut down because he thought I blamed him for the entire situation..when I just hated the situation in general.

It ended in he and I going for dinner and a drive and talking about some hard realities. Realities like he and his wife splitting up, but not having a time line for it. Like we want kids, but I want marriage and he will only get married if he has to. Neither of us expected to be this intense this soon, to be talking about living with each other and getting a “transition” apartment between now and his lease ending in February. But we’re here. And we’re dealing with it. And we both agree that the relationship is worth it.. which is what in the end matters.

I can hear Cal’s words echoing in my mind from time to time, advice he gave me when I first told him about Kane. Yes, fall. Yes, the relationship is worth it, but he and I will both hurt one another. And we are, we do, but we also keep each other going. We inspire one another when we’re not in mire and muck, and we come up with crazy artistic ideas that lead to other ideas that lead to amazing studio nights.

He is helping me pick up the pieces of my life, but he is not doing it while I sit on my ass. Yes, I have more financial problems than he does. Yes, he has more relationship problems than I do (that whole “I have a wife I need to hopefully separate amicably from” thing)..but we are definitely knee deep in a “we” thing. We are building a life together, piece by piece, and part of that is he and I getting our separate lives together in the ways that we must. I need a job, asap, hopefully with health insurance (which is something I lack right now..another stresser). And I need a firmer hand from Kane. I need discipline when I’m too sassy or too out of line, or don’t do what he asks me to do.

He was shocked when I mentioned this to him last night. “You don’t do what I say most of the the time. I just didn’t think you wanted that.”

“Of course I do!” I responded. “I’m a twenty four seven sub! Part of that is wanting, no, needing tasks from my dominant.” And part of that is pushing my limits. Seeing how bratty I can be before I get consequences. Kane figured that out. He set rules.

Now, after this long long LONG blog post that has followed an even longer week, progress is being made in my vanilla life and in my BDSM life. Next week I WILL go to the play party at the Citadel, and will dive back into munches again. I will reach out to friends I’ve been shunning in between applying to fifty million jobs. And most importantly I will work with my dominant. I will scene with him. I will build my pain tolerance back up and fall back into the steady rhythm and embrace of the flogger Kane wields. I will fly again, sometime soon.

Finally, I’m feeling better.

Yours coming out of hibernation

~Rena

Surprising New Tools

Image

Okay, I admit, I found this photo a while ago and I have been waiting for an opportunity to post it…but it’s for irony’s sake, not because I believe it.. Because in my relationship the opposite is true.

Sir and I got into a conversation about the mechanics of our relationship yesterday, as we tend to do from time to time…because I am a noob and often need things broken down a bit further to really process things. I care about him a great deal, as a person as well as a Dom, and told him I was struggling with how much to ask when I knew something was wrong with him. It’s hard just to..not care, not notice when you see someone’s personality change and you have no clue why.

He told me, “Here is the thought for you to think on today, little one: the advice that you hear from people, that it is truly the submissive that has all the power in the D/s relationship… that’s just plain wrong.  The only power you have is the safeword and the ability to walk away.  You give everything else up.  Everything else.  You have ultimate power, but only power to end things.  You give everything else away, or the dynamic is wrong and it can’t last.”

Which means the teeth don’t hold any damn power in that blow job, and you had better know when and when not to use them, per your Dom’s preferences.

It’s that last bit, that giving EVERYTHING UP, that last bit of control, that I find myself fighting on an instinctual level. Which bothers me, because I want to submit. I need to. You don’t choose to take on being a 24/7 Sub and desiring a TPE relationship if you don’t feel in your core it’s who you are… otherwise you would probably be miserable during it. The more my training actually begins and Sir begins to show me the actual fundamentals of being a slave and serving him, the more content and at peace with myself I become.

That contentment lasts for a couple days after seeing Sir, and then I find myself fighting to keep it. It’s a combination of things that tends to pull me out of the submissive headspace. One being every day life, another being distance from Sir, if he or I get busy and can’t really speak, a third just being basic survival instincts when I’m on my own. I am small, and I’ve had issues with being mugged and jumped among other things before… the barriers go up when I’m out in the city by myself, that vibe of “please don’t come near me” that has far from a submissive vibe to it.

All these things bother me. I wish I could keep the contentment that I have when I’m around Sir, that peaceful feeling of knowing exactly who I am and what I should be doing…

Today I went to a bit of an…experiment. There was a munch at a local kink cafe involving erotic hypnotism. Now, I’ve always been a skeptic when it comes to hypnotism, but my undergraduate degree is in psychology. The workings of the mind absolutely fascinate me, and I decided to go to the munch 1: Because I had nothing else to do and love the cafe in general and 2: Because I was simply curious. I wanted to see how this ‘hypnotism’ worked, and how many people would fake it just to fake it..

Like I said, skeptic.

I found myself pleasantly surprised. What they called hypnotism I always thought of as guided meditation. I struggle with silent meditation, always have, but guided mediation is old hack for me. I’ve been doing them since I was about twelve, and have always found visualizing to be incredibly easy for me (YAY creative mind!). The hypnotism was guided meditation with a bit of an “oomph”, adding emphasis and tone to the voice in order to pull the person meditation further into a trance-state.

We went around our little table at one point and talked about what we wished to gain from ‘hypnotism’, if anything (I’m still going with guided meditation..but it’s a tomato, tomato, potato, potato kinda thing for me), what scenes we thought could be enhanced by it, etc. I haven’t really done much thought when it comes to “scenes”, as much as I fantasize from time to times.. but I did have my little issue of just not being able to let go, and so I explained my relationship, knowing the group would understand it, and told them how I was struggling. After the initial O.O OH WOW that comes with saying you want a 24/7 TPE relationship the person leading the group immediately started mentioning meditations I could try, and actually led me through one that helped… a lot.

I honestly don’t remember all of it… I remember him having us go into trance state, to the point where we were most content and at peace with our submission, where we felt the most safe. For me, that’s easy. I am tiny as hell, and Sir is no small man. When we lay next to each other it is very easy for Sir to completely engulf me when he embraces me.

THAT is the best feeling in the world, when we’re both on our sides and his body is literally wrapped around mine. Nothing can touch me, and I am right where I belong. There I can talk about anything, painful or otherwise. I can hear anything from him and be just fine. Add him playing with my hair while in that position and it’s euphoria for me.

And so, mentally, I went there, content as can be. There was more to the meditation than that.. I vaguely remember hearing affirmations of this being good, and safe, and that I was with a very special person who cared for me. That this was how and where I was supposed to be. That I was doing a good job, and was a good submissive. That my Dom was so proud of me.

It lasted for maybe…five, ten minutes, max. When he pulled us out of it I was smiling from ear to ear. I have a roommate who knows when I’ve seen Sir because I have the “doofy Dom” smile on my face when I walk back in the house…and I’m sure that was there. I was giggly..happy, at peace, and felt like I had seen him hours ago instead of a week ago.

YAY new tool. It’s easy enough for me to get back into trance-state and back to that moment again. I may not be able to remember the whole ‘hypnosis’, but I grasped enough to be able to get that feeling back when I need it. It’s progress, definitely 🙂 And it’s nice not to feel as tightly wound as I normally do.

Yours pleasantly surprised,

-Rena