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Safe

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Today on the way to the way to the dungeon I got stopped on the street. I’m used to it, in certain ways. The Tenderloin is a rough neighborhood. Cat calls abound, there are some sketch characters on the street, and I’m not exactly the most intimidating creature in the world. It’s getting to be that time of the year where it’s no longer daylight when I get to the dungeon to play.. It’s getting dark again. And I, being foolish, walk through the Tenderloin alone.

The person who stopped me wasn’t part of the usual suspects.. It was a tourist, a woman who was obviously uncomfortable with the neighborhood she was in and took a wrong turn somewhere around Union Square, by the fancy hotels. I gave her directions to where she needed to go. She was polite, thanked me..and then paused, giving me a once over.

“Aren’t you scared of walking this neighborhood at night?”

I laughed. I’ve worked in some rough areas of cities in the past, especially back when I was in college. Internships were part of our requirement to graduate, and more often than not the internships that needed psych majors the most were internships in the not so pretty parts of the state… I got mugged twice while working at my second year internship and took several self-defense classes as a result so that it would never happen again. I’m tougher than I look… But that’s not why I laughed. It was the reason I gave, but it’s not why I laughed at all.

The woman was satisfied with that explanation and went on her way. The honest answer to why I laughed?

Because anyone stupid enough to harm me will suffer a much worse fate than anything they dish out.

I am a bit of a Tumblr addict these days. I was on the other day and saw that someone I follow, a Dom called lovemysub, got accused of not being a real Dom by an anonymous asker because he cared for his sub too much. Because he was too affectionate. Because he loved her. This is part of his response..and I think it’s brilliant.

“A dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect.

A dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance.

A dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to.

A dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him.

A dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important.

A dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect.

A dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf.

A dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.

A dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that.

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day.

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be. ”

Why am I confident walking to the dungeon at night?

Tonight, I was at a party. An amazing party where James wasn’t working for once. I got some much needed play time with my Sir, and some even more needed cuddles with him after. The night ended too quickly… and when I knew it was ending I groaned. I was wrapped up in his arms, decompressing from the scene and enjoying aftercare, my head on his chest. I didn’t want to move, and voiced my dissatisfaction about the idea.

“Until they say that everyone has to leave you’re staying right here.” Sir squeezed me just a little bit tighter then… and I felt completely untouchable in his embrace. Safe from the world. Cherished, in my own little kinky cocoon.

My Sir is a Dom. He expects me to have common sense, and to protect myself when I possibly can. But that does not mean he is not protective of me. He puts his hand on my knee when I feel uncomfortable in a crowd and it calms me down.. He sleeps closest to my apartment door. He will take the lead when I beg him too, and only when he’s sure it’s what he wants. And if, despite common sense and self-defense skills, someone manages to hurt me he and several others will break them in half. It’s not something I’ve ever asked him about.. It’s not something I’ve ever had to. It’s something I know from the way he talks to me, touches me, treats me around others. The safest place for any lucky submissive is with their Sir.

Okay… mushy post over.. I thought one was overdue.

Yours hoping you enjoyed it ;P

-Rena

A Tidbit From Tumblr

I fully admit that I have become a bit of a Tumblr junky. I go on to look at all things BDSM and kinky, and from time to time a gem will appear on my feed.

Tonight was one of those nights. I was keeping myself occupied by cleaning, organizing, and all around being an internet junky while Sir is away..and I found this.

Note: I am not the author of this and claim no ownership of it. This came from Tumblr, and was shared by someone I follow called the-quiet-dominant. I thought it was worth sharing through something other than Tumblr, which is why I’m reposting it here. I will write a blog of my own in the next couple of days..which should be an adventure. Until then, enjoy.

Yours Enlightened,

Rena

Ways to Ruin Your Subs

Note …… yes the following uses He for Dom and she for sub …. but can we please pretend its gender fluid for arguments sake

A submissive does not come with an instruction manual and there is no such thing as a perfect Dominant.

You can read every lifestyle book you can get your hands on, talk to other experienced Dominants and subs, and attend lifestyle workshops; yet you can still be left with a nagging feeling that you don’t always get it exactly right.

Perhaps you know lots of the DO’s when it comes to the training and care of a submissive, but have you ever wished you had a list of the DON’Ts?

Even if you think you’re doing your best, sometimes it might not be enough, take a look at this list of six (6) sure-fire ways to spoil your submissive.

NOTE: This is my personal view.

Six (6) Dominant mistakes that will spoil your submissive and can ruin your relationship:

1. Surrender:

No matter what your submissive wants, she gets it. Whether it is that shiny new sex toy she found online, letting her off the hook for that chore she just really hates, making it a habit to give her all the things she wants done to her, or giving her everything she asks for is the breeding ground for a spoiled, indulged, and coddled brat who will soon learn that she can always get her way by manipulating you with her emotions.

Especially, in D/s relationships, it is not uncommon for a Dominant to fall in love with his submissive, and there is not anything wrong with that. Personally I wouldn’t wish to own a girl who didn’t give me reasons to fall in love with her, but the danger you have to guard against is subordinating the power exchange dynamic by treating your relationship more as a romantic arrangement between equals.

Doing so, creates a lukewarm, superficial D/s relationship that in the end will likely satisfy either of you. There is nothing wrong with granting her requests occasionally, rewarding her for good service, and doing those little things she enjoys that make her feel happy from time to time. However, a submissive also needs regular reminders of who and what her position and role in the relationship is.

What to do instead:

When you agree to let her have that new sex toy she is coveting or to indulge her desire for that special activity in the bedroom she really likes, link it to something she has done recently to please you. In other words, make it a reward for good service and let her feel she has earned it.

Doing that will prevent her from developing a sense of entitlement and will instead cultivate in her a firm understanding that she doesn’t own you, you own her.

This will help her grow in her submission.

2. Do not discipline:

If your submissive acts out, breaks the rules, fails to complete a chore or assignment according to your expectations, or says or does something disrespectful, you cannot overlook it and do nothing. Lack of discipline in a D/s relationship often stems again from seeing your partner more as your wife or girlfriend than as your submissive.

It is quite natural to find it hard and even to loathe having to discipline someone you love, so many dominants are disinclined to administer corrective discipline even when it is clearly warranted. They rationalize it by convincing themselves that discipline either is a negative thing that doesn’t really work or else that their submissive doesn’t need it.

This fosters in a submissive the belief that there are never any consequences for bad behavior.

That kind of situation can lead to serious problems in your relationship. Just as children thrive with boundaries and rules of behavior, so does a submissive. The need to have firmly established boundaries is something most submissive women need to feel safe, secure, and protected.

Many times they will intentionally act out not because they just feel like misbehaving but to test the boundaries to make certain they are still firmly in place.

In the absence of consequences for bad behavior, the line between good and bad can become blurred or seem non-existent and a submissive can start to feel insecure and unprotected.

What to do instead:

Set clear and consistent rules and consequences for your submissive. Make certain that she clearly understands your expectations as to what she is to do and how she is to behave. If she acts out you need to “Dom” up and mete out appropriate corrective discipline.

It does not always have to be corporal punishment. That can be effective and timely, but some submissive women enjoy things like OTK spanking, and so in such cases, using that for discipline would not be very effective.

Taking away a privilege she enjoys can be in such cases much more effective.

Do remember to talk with her and to make certain she understands why she is being disciplined and do not go overboard.

Make certain the punishment fits the crime.

3. Always make excuses for them:

When a submissive makes a mistake or breaks a rule perhaps not intentionally but out of negligence, it is always a temptation for a Dominant to feel partly responsible. I think is quite normal for anyone in a leadership position of any kind to feel that he has failed too whenever a subordinate fails. Perhaps I did not communicate the rule or expectation clearly enough, or I did not do an adequate job of training her. We want to believe in our submissive and feel like she always gives one hundred-percent effort and does her best.

This can lead us to rationalize, to make excuses for her, perhaps to even blame ourselves and take upon ourselves the responsibility for her mistake or error.

While we all want to have confidence in our submissive girls, turning a blind eye to their transgressions or living in denial is not the answer.

You must make your submissive understand she is not above the rules and that even unintentional mistakes when due to negligence have repercussions.

What to do instead:

If your submissive makes a mistake due to carelessness, negligence, or purposely disregards a rule or to meet an expectation, take the appropriate corrective action, impose discipline if it is warranted. Do explain what she did wrong and make certain she understands why she is being disciplined so she does not end up feeling you are being unfair or unreasonable.

If however, she makes an honest mistake, a situation where she was neither clearly carelessness or negligent, then perhaps instead of discipline just sitting her down and talking it out may adequately take care of the situation. The goal is always to keep her from repeating the same mistakes over and over regardless of what the causative factors were.

Often, just knowing she has disappointed you might reduce her to tears and it can seem that she has punished herself enough for a misdeed, but as mentioned earlier in the discussion about corrective discipline; do not hesitate to use it when a situation clearly calls for it.

4. Do not push her limits:

If I had to pick out the most critical responsibility that every Dominant has toward a submissive, it would be to ensure that he creates an environment where she can grow in her submission. Growth in the lifestyle is best affected by helping her to push her limits and expand her boundaries. Especially with novice submissive women, quite often they come into the lifestyle with a veritable laundry list of limits both soft and hard, things she is either reluctant or simply unwilling to try.

Many of those limits are due to lack of understanding, lack of confidence, lack of experience, or feeling intimidated by the very thought of trying some activities. Since D/s is always consensual, limits must always be respected. A submissive should never be coerced or forced to participate in an activity that she has disclosed as a limit, but especially when it comes to soft limits, they do need to be pushed.

When a submissive says some activity is a soft limit, she is not saying she absolutely will not ever do the activity under any circumstances.

She is saying not yet or that she needs for you to discuss it with her before she is asked to do it.

Thus, soft limits are especially fertile ground for expanding her boundaries and helping her to grow. If her Dominant never encourages her to push her limits, she will not grow, at least efficiently and perhaps it may prevent her from every realizing her real potential. She can become too comfortable with the “status quo” and even become resistant to attempting what is necessary to grow.

What to do instead:

It is important and proper to want you submissive to tell you what interests her and so you need to ask her that very early on but never be satisfied with her just giving you a lengthy list of all the things she wants done to her.

If she is reluctant to even discuss trying things that she finds a little intimidating or scary that you need from a relationship, then perhaps this lifestyle is not really for her. She needs to have a desire to grow and a willingness to do what is needed to experience it, but perhaps even more importantly, you need to have the will to encourage her to try new things so she can grow.

5. Setting a bad example:

Some days a submissive may not feel all that submissive, and likewise, some days a Dominant does not feel like exercising dominance. That is just human nature but as the leader, the guiding force in the relationship, a Dominant just cannot ignore his responsibility to provide guidance, supervision, and training just because it has been a hectic week at the office or he has a lot of other things on his plate and feels tired.

Just as you have expectations of your submissive like following rules and meeting needs you have, she has needs to be met and expectations of you as well.

You should always strive to lead by example.

Not living up to your responsibilities to her and the relationship sets a bad example.

If you do not fulfill your responsibilities on a consistent basis, if you do not keep your word, if you make excuses, if you talk the dominant talk but do not walk the walk, your actions will speak louder than words.

You are wrong if you think your submissive is not paying attention. If she senses you do not take your responsibilities seriously, she is likely to mimic your behavior if exposed to it frequently.

What to do instead:

Resolve to be a model example in front of your submissive.

Do not let competing interests prevent you from addressing the needs of your submissive and from giving the relationship the consistent attention it deserves.

6. Not Being Engaged:

Choosing to make a habit of working late when you don’t have to over getting home regularly in time for dinner, being irritable or short with her when she has done nothing wrong, or just plain ignoring your submissive are all examples of not being fully engaged.

A submissive woman needs to feel valued.

She needs reassurance that she is pleasing and useful.

She needs a consistent conduit through which she can express her submissive nature by obediently serving and pleasing her Dominant.

Her gift of submission earns her the right to feel you consider her worthy of your attention, respect, and affection.

A submissive cannot feel centered, safe, and protected if neglected.

She is likely to become dissatisfied, unhappy, and even depressed.

What to do instead:

Even if you have got a packed work schedule or other matters that require your attention, do not neglect your submissive or the relationship. Aim to schedule regular blocks of time dedicated to her.

Watch a movie together and allow her to revel in occupying her humble place at your feet. Allow her to pleasure you sexually. She needs your engagement.

She needs you to teach her what she must do, how she must behave, and most importantly, she needs you to remind her who and what she really is, your valued possession.
Author: Unknown