Tag Archives: vanilla issues

Endure

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Yes, I do, I believe
That one day I will be where I was
Right there, right next to you
And it’s hard, the days just seem so dark
The moon, the stars are nothing without you

Your touch, your skin,
Where do I begin?
No words can explain the way I’m missing you
Deny this emptiness, this hole that I’m inside
These tears, they tell their own story

You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling’s overwhelming, it’s much too strong

Can I lay by your side, next to you, you
And make sure you’re alright?
I’ll take care of you,
And I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight

EVERY time I hear this Sam Smith song I think of Kane. I miss him.

It’s not as if he isn’t in my life. He is.. and I see him making a huge effort lately to give me time with him. That means so much right now. The man is going through absolute hell and still manages to leave a place beside him for me… He can’t be an acting Dom for me right now…and I despeately miss that…but it leaks out in other ways. In the way he treats me in the lovely mundane world. He watches out for me still..cares for me still even while he’s trying to keep the pieces of his life together. I beyond admire, adore, and love this man.. I am lucky to still wear his collar.

Yes, I’m still alive.. I’m chugging along in a chaotic world. Right now my world lacks kink and revolves around the almighty dollar. I can’t remember the last time I had sex… I’ve passed that phase of wanting to fuck just to fuck. It’s not going to be gratifying or cathartic. It will just make me feel disloyal to those I’m intimately,  emotionally involved with.

Valentines day weekend was.. unique for me. It has beome habit for me that when Kane needs time and space I reach out for Smith. I am lucky in that I seem to surround myself with men who have the patience of saints. Since we met in November Smith has heard me whine, and cry, and whimper, and beg.. and for some reason is still in contact with me. He is this giant safety bubble for me… He has a primary. Emotionally, I have a primary. The main spot is filled. We both identify as poly..and because the big spot is already claimed for both of us there’s no pressure. There’s just this lovely exploration of figuring out where this will go with us.

Valentines Day weekend was the first time he was out of reach the same time that Kane was. Both were equally unreachable. Both needed space during a time when hearts, flowers, and romance are all shoved down my throat left and right. I spent a good month glaring at stuffies and chocolate, knowing I would be alone on that day, mentally bracing for it.

What startled me was not the loneliness, but how I dealt with it. That it seems to have become this normal state of existance for me. I acknowledge the ache, the missing of these constant anchors in my life. Talking to Kane and Smith is part of my daily routine. The ache doesn’t stop me though.. it doesn’t wake the Sleeping Man. If anything I was over productive while they were gone, determined to get my shit together to make them proud.

Money sucks right now. Student loans are relentless and I don’t have much of a life. I’m not drowning. I’m just going. And going. And going. Keeping my head above water..and I’m pretty proud that I can finally pick up my own pieces. It’s just a lot of pieces to juggle. Down time can no longer exist.. I get one day a week when I’m not working and my work days are 10 hour days.

I can do this. I can do this. I tell myelf this over and over. I will not drop the ball. I will not hold the ball. I will endure.

Kink, or the idea of it, has become my reward for hard work. When I’m stressed shitless I make lists, attempt to get scattered thoughts in order. I write down when payments are due and how much. When I need how much money by. Marking when I will need to haul ass. And when I do it, when I get everything done and I go home to Poe at the end of the day, I look at my reward listand see what I can obtain first.

The entire list is kinky..the beginnings of a personal toy kit that I can guarantee will be kept safe and be used just on me. The items range from a new flogger with the weight and bite that I crave to a new rainbow tail, to an Alyson Tyler novel I’ve wanted to read for months. Some of the items will take a long time for me to afford… because there is a mundane list of needs. Groceries. A new laptop (yup. Still haven’t replaced my stolen one. Typing on my tablet at the moment). A flight home to see my little sister’s play in March.

I can do it. I can do it. Endure. Just endure. Just keep going… Make them proud. Make myself proud.

I am Rena. and I am still here.

Monoga- miss?

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I am a baby in the BDSM world. 

If it wasn’t for the fact that I knew people pretty deep into the BDSM scene in New York I would probably be a fetus.

I was also a fetus raised by a conservative Italian woman. 

Now, when I say conservative I mean old school, old world conservative. The only man my mother has ever slept with is my father. Before him she never went past upper body play with another man (I only know these things because after twenty-one my mother decided that we could be friends and share all our deep, dark secrets). My dad…well, he went to art school in Soho in the ’70’s. He was a bit of the opposite. 

So, when Sir told me that one of his conditions of me being his was that he did not want monogamy my brain imploded. 

It’s a vanilla tenant that has been bashed into my brain for twenty-two years, and probably the hardest one for me to tackle and dissect. I’ve broken a lot of my mother’s tenants when it comes to relationships. No sex until marriage? Oops. Don’t sleep with more than one person? Yeah… definitely broke that one. I’ve been around the block a bit. I can still count my partners on two hands..but I’m no virgin. Don’t get in just a sexual relationship with someone? 

Well… sometimes college gets interesting. 

The only one that stuck was the monogamy bit. Over and over I was told that if a man won’t stop seeing other women just to be with you, well then he isn’t good enough for you. It means you aren’t enough for him, and he’s just not worth your time. 

Never, in my mind, did I think you could care for different people in different ways, and therefore want to be with more than one person. Never. That was WRONG, at least according to my vanilla voice.

There are times when my vanilla voice really needs to shut up and let my sub voice catch up and process. After all, it’s just learning to speak. When Sir told me the conditions of me being his, it was the first time I really heard my sub voice speak up. 

Vanilla voice: NO. NOOOOO. N.O. Hell to the no. 
Sub voice: Why? Why is that a deal breaker? 
Vanilla voice: Why do you think? If I’m not enough for him, then he’s not worth my time. 
Sub voice: But why do you think that? Do you think that because it’s your own choice, or because it’s your mother’s voice? 

Wait, what? 

Obviously, I’m still very much in this relationship. 

I thought I would struggle with jealousy much more than I have, just as I thought I would never be able to take monogamy off the table. One of my hard limits when I first filled out a checklist for Sir (which I did within a couple days of he and I talking) was no sharing. Now? I would say I am curious… but I needed that confidence of knowing that I was his, and that no matter who else he was seeing I would remain his. 

Sir told me tonight after dinner with my parents (don’t worry, there will be a blog post about that sometime soon) that he asked the woman he had begun seeing to be his girlfriend. They have a history, and I wasn’t surprised in the least. She’s the one that got away for him; I can see that when he talks about her. I don’t think he expected the depth of feelings that he has for her. I did. 

The vanilla voice is quieter than it was a week ago, but it still asked in a scared voice why I wan’t ranting and raving. Why I wasn’t possessive. Why I wasn’t offended that she was the girlfriend and I wasn’t. 

The Sub voice is louder now, and much more confident. The answer was definitive. 

I don’t need that, not in our relationship. I need to be his, and I am. I need to be collared, and I will be. 

Do I need to have him all to myself? 

Sir tells me often that the relationship with your first Dom is incredibly intense. That much is obvious to me, even more so as our relationship develops, and we haven’t even properly played yet. I know he will push me, and I know I got damn fucking lucky in having him as my first Dom. Were I to have a girlfriend title? I would be drowning. It would become too intense, for me, and I would not be able to handle it when it’s time for us to part. It would break me to a degree that I would not come back easily from. 

No, I do not need him to myself. I happily call him Sir, and will soon be able to call him Master. I am secure in the fact that I am his, and that he adores me. I adore him as well. 

Okay, that is an understatement. I would go above and beyond for him. I want to go above and beyond for him, and I love him, but I am not in love with him. I think that the woman who is his girlfriend is, or will be, and I think it’s good for both of them.

…That sounds weird. Why am I okay with another woman being in love with the man I am seeing? 

Because, frankly. I like her. I like them together, and I know that she will not replace me, nor will I replace her. He cares for both of us, in different ways, and feels for both of us. We both have our place in his life, just as he has his place in ours, and we’re all adjusting to this relationship. I didn’t really realize that until tonight; I thought that it was just me struggling with finding my place and learning my boundaries. NOPE! Not just me! Even those with experience are dealing with a learning curve in this. 

There is jealousy, but less in that she is with him and more in that she spends time with him where he can’t be with me. I don’t message Sir when I know he is with her. I want him to have that time alone with her, because honestly I would want that time as well. I would want that space. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him when we can’t talk, or I can’t see him.There is also jealousy in that she has been to his home, slept in his bed, and so far I have not. I’ve been relegated to hotel rooms and day meetings. I have roommates and live in a shoe box, and so him staying with me would not be an option. I want to be invited into his space as well, I want a place in his world.

 I always want more time with him. Hell, I didn’t want tonight to end. I wanted to curl up in his arms and just stay there..safe. He is the shield that keeps all the bad things away; he chases away the nightmares and listens when I tell him about my ghosts, and has begun openly looking at me in a way that makes my heart race (in a good way). Why wouldn’t I want to spend more time with him? 

I am not pursing other relationships at the moment outside of Sir. I am fine with the casual date on occasion, but one that would actually require time and effort? ..Honestly, I don’t have time, and I have to throw my effort towards other things (like a job, so that I can actually stay in the city for the summer). I have a very short time with Sir, and a very short time in San Francisco itself. Leaving one person behind when I move will be hard enough. Two? No. I can’t. If the circumstances were different… perhaps.

There are honestly times when I miss behind someone’s everything. I miss the “darling”s and “dearest”s and “love”s that come with a vanilla relationship… but the way those nicknames made me feel pale to the pride and affection I feel when I am called “little one”. Would I want to be monogamous with a Dom someday? Perhaps. But I’m realizing more and more that monogamy is far from a deal breaker with me. As long as I remain his, what does it matter if there are others? 

This may be hard to believe, but I’m actually looking forward to meeting his girlfriend. I think I will like her, a lot, and I hope she likes me. She’s been in the lifestyle for much longer than me, and I hope to learn a lot from her if she will let me. This is the start of a journey for me while she’s been on the path for some time now. I’m hoping, somehow, that something about me will be of benefit to her. I like to think that I am good for Sir. She is his partner. I want to be good for her too, in some way. I respect her, and I really do hope that we can be friends.

Oh, curveballs. They’re so much fun, especially when chucked at old ideals that seem to be clinging steadfastly to my conscience. 

Monogamy? 

Sorry, mom, but you got it wrong. The number of romantic partners you have does not define how much you care for those partners. It’s very hard to fake what I see when Sir looks at me, or what I feel when I’m with him. 

When neither person wants the night to end, you’re doing something right. 

Yours in the middle of a learning curve

-Rena