Tag Archives: weight

On Top

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I, like many others, struggle with my weight.

It’s taken me a very long time to be able to look in the mirror and think the person looking back is beautiful. It started when I was much, much younger with a mother built completely different than me. She used to get me kids jeans three sizes too small and would tell me I couldn’t wear jeans until I fit into those. I went to a nutritionist for the first time when I was eight years old, started doing Weight Watchers for the first time when I was ten (complete with the meetings), and at this point have it so engrained in my head that I automatically calculate the points of food, and have never seen the single digit side of clothing sizes. I’ve come damn close. At my “skinniest” I was a size 10, and I was fabulous.

I was also bulimic, so that helps, though I am trying to get there again the healthy way. I haven’t slipped with my binging and purging in a whole year. I’ve been more active (though I’ve been far too lazy today and need to go take my walk after I write this..), eating much better food, and slowly watching the scale go down, pound by pound, week by week.

The number still bothers me..but it’s bothering me a little less. I don’t like seeing a 2 in front of my weight. EVER. I’m small, all of 4 ft 11, and I am damn curvy. I am blessed and cursed with a body that hides my weight extremely well..blessed because if I told someone I weight 206.4 as of last weekend they would gawk at me in shock.. cursed because it’s not those annoying five pounds that sneak up on me. It’s those annoying twenty pounds…

I do think I need to lose weight. My goal over time is to get to 150 (at my thinnest I was in the 170s). I don’t think I’m gigantic. I know I’m sexy. I know I look good in a corset and thong, and I know what lingerie makes me look fantastic.

I am confident around Kane, more so than any other man I’ve been with. I know he doesn’t see flaws when he looks at me. I know his perception of beauty is different than most. I know he thinks I’m beautiful.

But I want to curl up in a ball and hide every single time he asks me to get on top.

I’ve NEVER liked the position. Ever. Because I become twenty times more self conscious about my size. I notice my tummy, my thighs; everywhere that I hold weight. I get self conscious about how I’m moving or if I’m keeping a proper pace… or if I look like this slow, sluggish beached wale impaled on top of a man. No one has ever called me that, mind you, and those that have gotten me on top have appreciated it…but my little warped mind sees this disfigured creature in place of myself.

I’ve enjoyed it twice that I can remember, and only twice. Once was with Jason, one night where I actually topped HIM while we were still dating. For some reason it turned both of us on… He was also on his sofas sitting and for some reason that position made me more comfortable than in bed.

It’s the only position that’s a mind fuck for me. Turn me upside down, sideways, lift my legs, spin me around..it doesn’t matter. Ask me to get on top, cowgirl or reverse, and I freeze. Any sexy I have just shrivels and I become this scared little girl… AUGH.

It’s frustrating, because I know it’s one thing Kane very much enjoys. He took me to task about it last night before some very intense (in a very GOOD way) sex, listening to my fears about the position before responding. As far as rhythm and movement, he reminded me that he would be dictating how I moved and how quickly those movements were carried out…and as usually, he assured me about my figure. He likes the position because he gets access to all the parts of myself I want to hide.. my waist, my thighs (he is the only man in the history of EVER to like my legs, which I think are stubby). He loves that it gives him open access to my breasts and free hands… a dangerous combination in all the right was.

Kane isn’t small. My beloved Sir is a sizable man who has picked me up with little effort and tossed me onto the bed before. Logically, I know I won’t squish him. I’m not too big for him to handle. So why does my mind still flinch at the idea when he’s attempted to ease my worries one by one? What is it that his words can’t get through to ease my worries?

AUGH

Looks like I have some mental picking apart to do… case I wanna ride with the best of ’em, dammit!

Yours frustrated.. and not looking forward to the self-imposed psychological evaluation.

-Rena

Albatross Loss

I thought I would be staying away longer than I am from this thing… but it’s been an interesting and tough week so far…

I have nothing spicy to talk about. I wish I did. I would rather spicy over sad.

I’ve cut Jason out of my life for the most part… I told him a few days ago that I wasn’t coming down for his graduation. I wasn’t comfortable, and I couldn’t afford it, frankly. I need to get in the swing of things with my new job and finish school this week. He seemed alright with it, as long as I come visit in June once he’s back from his graduation trip to Europe. I said fine. If nothing else I would visit with my older sister when we drove my car out from Jersey. Nice, platonic. Quick.

A couple days after that all of a sudden his relationship status changes on Facebook. He has a girlfriend. His girlfriend is a single mother who he has never met in person, who lives 3000 miles away. They’ve “Skyped a few times and he’s feeling good about it.” I have very little issue with the distance, which may sound odd. However, when he and I started dating we lived 3000 miles away. I was actually going to school right next to where his new ‘girlfriend’ lives. It bothers me that he would call someone his girlfriend when he’s never met her in person, and be so reckless with the relationship when there is a child involved who doesn’t have a father figure.. But it’s not my relationship. It’s not my right to be involved with that, and I let go of those issues as quickly as I could.

What bothers me about their relationship is she know nothing about what happened between Jason and I. For all she knows he hasn’t had sex in eons. Apparently they exchanged Valentines in February. Funny, since I was there for a very consensual visit over Valentines Day weekend and he didn’t mention her once. The messiness of the whole situation, the lies to both of us, this playing two part against the middle thing.. I don’t even know this man. I don’t want to know this man, who seems to be so unraveled compared to the man that I knew and loved two years ago. Ignoring the text messages has been hard… harder than I thought. “I think that you will find you will feel  lot better when you let go of this albatross from around your neck”, Sir said. He’s right, I know he’s right. And I will feel much better once the pain actually stops, and that place that used to be his in my heart stops throbbing. I wanted to reach out to him today, tell him about what happened…

What happened spurred the knowledge and shedding of albatross number two. I got a text message from D, whom I haven’t talked to in about six weeks. A classmate of ours from high school had suddenly passed away, and it hit me harder than I thought. She barely knew him. They met up in high school and he was just a constant fixture at school. I had gone all through elementary school with him and had known him since I was five years old. We weren’t close… but he was part of my home town. A fixture. A homing beacon for how the place was supposed to be. Him being gone at just twenty-three has left me jarred, more so than I thought it would.

I got emotional. I was brave and asked if she and I were okay.

That may have been a mistake. But it also may have been the solution to a decade-old weight I’ve been carrying on my shoulders. She told me “If you really loved yourself, you wouldn’t be in such an unhealthy relationship. You would pursue something normal.” I stared at the text message for a little while. I thought I would be angry, or really upset. Instead, I honestly wondered if she was talking to me or herself.

“I am happy” I responded “for the first time in over two years. I am just starting a job that I love. My work is getting noticed, and I’m starting to take real pride in it. I look in the mirror and I find myself dressing better and holding my shoulders higher, because someone takes pride in me being his, and in knowing me. Someone cares about me, genuinely, and is more open and honest with me than any man I have ever met. Even if he worries that what he tell me may send me running, he tells me. He genuinely wants the best for me. What about that sounds unhealthy to you?”

“The age difference.”

Blink. Blink blink. Really? She watched my entire relationship with Jason. She watched him jerk me around. Saw the ups, saw the downs. Saw when he broke me. I tell her that I am finally happy…and her response is well he’s too old for you? Is that all you can see?

D knows about my kinks. She knows the nature of mine and Sir’s relationship. There are many other flags she could have waved, and she chose to play the age card. I finally asked if she could ever just let my relationship be and be able to be friends regardless? After all..her boyfriend hates me, and I leave hers be. Sir doesn’t even have a problem with her, as far as I know. He doesn’t know her. I could just keep my Cali life in Cali when I saw her at home.

“No. I’m sorry. If you insist on something so unhealthy I’m not comfortable being friends with you.”

I wonder why I never had the courage to say something like that to her. All through high school and my undergrad, with all the issues she’s had in the past… that could have been my way out. I’ve known D for so long though. I thought she was a friendship obligation; someone I had to always take care of because I was the one that had stuck it out through school. I still reached out when everyone else had tucked tail in run.

It’s not just romantic relationships that can turn toxic and abusive. Friendships can as well. D and I have walked that line for a very long time.

It’s not going to be a “FUCK YOU” parting. I explode. D broods. She plays passive aggressive and is very good at head games. Whenever explosive fights happen between us it’s because I start them… and I’m not starting anything this time. I don’t want to fight. I want to be able to be happy, and for the people in my life to be happy for me.

It’s not just my relationship. D hasn’t been happy about my work, my school, my… life. I told her about my new job and she said she wished she could be so lucky, why hadn’t anyone caught her a break, etc…

I just won’t reach out anymore… I won’t answer the texts when Jason tells me about his girlfriend and their Valentines. I won’t answer the Facebook prompts when D tags me. I just..am going to live my life. And enjoy it.

Why did I hold on to this for so long? Why did I allow such unhealthy relationships in my life, and why did it take a loss to see that?

BAH

Purging! Purging of the old to make room for the new. I want an actual life if I’m staying out here in San Francisco for another year. I want friends. Actual friends. Not just people I live with or go to school with. I want to go out at night and dance and have fun and not have to be the old lady babysitting with all the damaged strays.

I want to be happy. And I’m getting there. Even if there’s some pain along the way I’m getting there. Bye bye albatrosses. Go hang off someone else.

Right now..back to the hell that is the last two days of classes. I have school shit to do. Before work. Which is before more school shit. Which is before more work…

You see the pattern.

Off I go! A little lighter, if a bit more fatigued

-Rena