Kill the Beast

NRE is a beast. And somehow I had forgotten how hard it can bite. 

I’ve talked about new relationship energy before.  The honeymoon period when you’re obsessed with that new person. It comes in varying degrees, at least it has for me. I’ve had relationships like James where there never really was NRE.. we had been building for too long and life was too difficult around us. We just.. were. Are. This constant feeling old old married couple. We were just old married couple with za za zoo and now we’re old currently separated married couple dealing with bed death and deciding what’s next.. but I digress. We were never really new and shiny. Grey and I had the new and shiny period, but he pops in and out so inconsistently just because of life. We’re good when we’re together, we just aren’t together that much. Chris and I just always had an ease, which has tweaked over time into a comfortable knowing of one another. But it was never that obsession. There were smiles. New possibility giggles. 

That’s why I didn’t expect Ryan. Then again I didn’t expect any of them, James included. 

Ryan and I aren’t new. We’ve been playing on and off since the late summer of last year and were friends long before that. There is a comfort in our conversations, an ease in how our bodies respond to one another. And my meta from him is an absolute joy and continues to push me to “be a full partner” with him. 

You’re allowed to love him, she says. You’re allowed to ask for his time. To want to spend time with him. You are allowed to have part of him. 

And I do. All the things. I do. And it’s startling and scary and my brain just won’t fucking stop. 

It’s the first time since James that I’ve felt this way, where I just can’t stop thinking about someone. I want to talk to them. Text them. Spend time with them. My mind drifts to fantasies involving them.. and then I want to kick myself. To scream at my brain to pick a new damn subject already. 

There’s no logical reasoning for it. I get plenty of Ryan’s time. I see him every week at BaGG and I usually see him one other time a week as well. He is easy to talk to and does so frequently. He doesn’t use silence as a weapon as others have in the past. He seems to almost.. study me at times. Learning my reactions to things, foods, games, and as things are a success folding them in to our dynamic. 

Our dynamic may be why my brain is tweaking as it is. 

I have a Daddy. For the first time. Ever. I’m comfortable giving someone that label. I even asked him. 

Well. I asked my meta first. Then I asked him. 

The little pokes and prods Ryan has done over time opened floodgates. I had no idea until I just… let go just how deep my little side went, and just how wounded a little girl she was. Diving deep into the side of me that is little means risking another’s rejection while dealing with all the rejections from the past. It’s. A lot. 

I get stuck sometimes. When I’m with Ryan. We will be having a play date and something will slip me into DEEP little space and it was as if I was in two places at once. There was outside me, little me responding to Daddy while he fucked me up the ass (even though this was before he was my Daddy) and inside me that seemed to be observing. It saw how deep I was and figured out that I would be deep for a while. It was a wave I had to ride. And I was comfortable to do so because I was with Ryan. The trust I have in him… scares me. Trusting someone new. It’s been a while. And yet I do. I have no hesitations trusting him when I go deep into little space, because honestly he’s a DAMN good Daddy. 

All good things, right?

So why the brain squirrels?

Tonight could have been catastrophic. I went to a party I’m not comfortable going to to see a friend that stood me up. I watched James play with another and found out he’s getting a ride from someone I don’t fully trust. Meltdown potential: Epic. 

Instead I enjoyed watching James’s scene and actually want to talk about it a bit later. I felt relief that I didn’t have to worry about being half dead at work tomorrow from driving James. I’m driving him next week, so I get my time with him. 

And I kept fucking thinking about Daddy. 

I was watching James spank his play partner and kept thinking about big hands. On me. Warming my ass. Around my throat as he fucks me. Digging into my hips. Pinning me down. 

You see where this is going. 

We aren’t new. We aren’t shiny. So. Why is it so damn intense?!

I have one of the songs from Beauty and the Beast stuck in my head, or rather a moment. When the mob is trying to break into the castle with the battering ram and keeps chanting KILL THE BEAST ram. KILL THE BEAST. ram. 

Kill the beast that is this nre. I don’t know if my emotions can keep this up. How can so much good cause such an odd aching pain? And again, IT MAKES NO SENSE. I see him FREQUENTLY. 

Why do I want more?

And the even scarier question. 

Does he? 

Does he understand what I’m feeling? Can he relate? Is he just as startled. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen. 

It just did. 

The big ones always do. 

Yours, emotional 

-Rene